subscribe
/ Sign Out

32-year-old man secretly hoping The Snowman ends differently this time

A GROWN man watching The Snowman for the millionth time has got his fingers crossed for a happy ending.

Despite knowing the plot of the animated television film inside out, Tom Booker silently prayed that just for once it would end without breaking his heart into a million pieces.

Booker said: “Up until the bit where the boy wakes up the next morning it’s just a harmless film about a kid and his magic snowman friend. They ride a motorbike, have a few laughs, and nobody gets hurt.

“Then it usually goes and ruins everything in the last few seconds, but maybe if I wish really hard that won’t happen this time. Christmas is a time for miracles after all.

“Ah no, there he goes. F**k.”

Booker’s girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “He does this every year. I think he takes it personally because he always asks me why Raymond Briggs would hurt him like this, which is a bit of an overreaction.

“Once I tried to cheer him up by popping on The Snowman and the Snowdog but it was shit.”

 

The Government Guide to Christmas 2020

HELLO, we’re the government and this is what you should be doing over Christmas 2020:

– Do not see family. You are allowed to see family. Depending on your tier or country, see family if you absolutely have to but don’t travel to see them. The police may or may not be enforcing this.

– Do not say, or think, ‘Christmas is cancelled’. If you do, ensure to associate these thoughts with Sir Keir Starmer.

– Do not stockpile. Consume.

– Do not travel or see other people, unless you are a high-value business traveller in which case you may do anything you like. Visit a restaurant, meet large groups of people, whatever you choose. Our country is yours, sir. We live to serve you.

– Don’t believe in Santa Claus. He’s childish and European. Instead invest every bit of hope and blind faith you have in Brexit and its manifold possibilities.

– Source gifts and goods locally. The motorways of Kent must be protected. Do what the government does and overpay friends who make vague promises that ‘they can get it for you’, then allow no questions about the process.

– Do not feed children illicitly with parcels from UNICEF or school meals from Marcus Rashford. Give them self-respect and pride by letting them fight for scraps.

– Do not allow working-class children unrealistic ambitions. If Fatima asks for ballet shoes for Christmas buy her a book on cybersecurity instead. When better than her one day of festive cheer to start adjusting her hopes downwards?

– Rejoice. Everything is wonderful. Boris will be on the televison to tell you so directly later on today.

Next story ›