subscribe
/ Sign Out

How to get out of trouble, by Prince Andrew

HELLO. I’m a former trade envoy for the UK and keen golfer, though you may know me as Prince Andrew. But I’m also an expert at getting out of trouble. Try these tips: 

Have perfect recall and total amnesia
Facing an accusation? Explain that your memory is hazy and you are congenitally incapable of noticing background details like trafficked teenage girls, but then snap into perfect photographic detail about one specific evening 19 years ago when you had a pizza. Never fails.

You only did the bad thing because you are so good
Friends with a convicted sex offender? He introduced you to some wonderful people. Went to stay with him? Only to end the friendship honorably. Took part in a mass-murder? It wouldn’t do to embarrass your host by standing aside.

Improvise
Accused of being a sweaty, fat man with sausage fingers? Clarify that actually you are unable to perspire because an Argentine bullet passed within 180ft of you during the Falklands War. Nobody will look into this or find evidence to the contrary.

Photographs can be faked
Lean entirely on this scientific fact, while making it apparent you don’t really care either way. Why would anyone fake it? Not your problem.

Fly a helicopter
This isn’t really relevant, unless the trouble is the kind one can be airlifted out of. I just remind people at every opportunity that I can fly a helicopter and they cannot.

Be royal
None of the above working? There’s always the classic fallback position of being a member of the Royal Family. Questions – and prosecutions – simply melt away. Don’t believe me? Ask my dad.

Man on Wikipedia skips straight to 'Controversies' section

A MAN reading about a celebrity on Wikipedia has skipped over ‘Early life’ and ‘Career’ and gone directly to ‘Controversies’.  

Tom Logan initially wanted to find out if he was older than rapper DMX, but when faced with reading his date of birth or about his feud with Ja Rule he immediately chose the latter.

He said: “I was arguing about how old DMX is, but who wants to know that when you can read about him stealing a dog from a junkyard instead?

“Then I went onto Ja Rule and his various rap feuds and his part in the Fyre festival disaster, then I read up on the Colin Farrell sex tape for a while, then the Paris Hilton sex tape, then wondered how many times Lil Wayne had been in prison, then the afternoon was gone.

“Anyway, turns out DMX is 48 so I’m way younger.”

Colleague Helen Archer said: “Yeah, it’s just instinct at this point. I wanted to know many series of QI there are left, and seconds later was reading about Alan Davies biting a tramp.”

Next story ›