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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I've been married to my wife for nearly twenty years and we have two wonderful children together. Regrettably, I seem to have accidentally had sex with a woman at work and I am worried my wife might find out. The main catalyst for this unfortunate situation is that my wife is a dried-up, bootfaced old hag who spends most of her time arguing with me and complaining about my attitude, whereas my colleague is a nubile and leggy strumpet who smells of vanilla, has a chest like a bouncy castle, and lets me ride her doggy-style. As a red blooded man I feel there is little I could have done to prevent this occurrence, and yet I can’t help but feel slightly guilty. What should I do to stop this creeping feeling of regret?
Geoff
Dorking

Dear Geoff,
You seem to be experiencing a classic Freudian struggle between ego and superego, much like that which I experienced recently when I sabotaged Melissa Riley’s eleventh birthday party. On the one hand, I felt bad for telling everyone that Melissa’s family are riddled with scabies and her dad is on the sex register. On the other hand, she should have thought first before pressing down so hard on my new felt tip pens and ruining at least seven of them, including the pink one which was my favourite. Hopefully she finally understood her callousness when she found herself playing pass-the-parcel alone, with no little friends to share her custom-made Barbie princess cake.
In the end, you have to remind yourself people like Melissa and your wife bring it on themselves, and that you are only reacting in a reasonable manner to a situation beyond your control.
Hope that helps!
Holly

 

Blur To Reform As Accountancy Firm

NINETIES indie heroes Blur have reformed as Blur Accountancy Ltd, offering fans a wide range of financial services.

Former singer Damon Albarn said the band had talked about getting back together for several months before the recession presented them with the 'perfect opportunity' to do something involving money.

He added: "The music business can dazzle you with the tunes and the rhythms and the fancy guitars, but it's always been about the money for us. We like to see it move from one account to another. We like to touch it.

"I'll deal with taxation enquiries, while Alex handles the auditing side and Graham offers advice on VAT and payroll. The drummer will be on reception and do the photocopying. Clients can rest assured we're efficient, flexible and 100% off the charlie."

Former bassist Alex James said: "Our shared experience of seven-figure coke debts has given us an excellent understanding of the necessity of effectively managing one's personal, or indeed corporate, finances.

"And I find the varied functionalities of SAGE accounting software every bit as exciting as playing bass guitar to 30,000 screaming fans while completely ripped to the tits. Just in a different way."

Blur fan Christine Dawson, of Ludlow, who has become a client of the new firm, said: "At first I was disappointed that they weren't going to do a record or a stadium tour, but then I realised I did actually need some help with my VAT return.

"Damon was extremely helpful, giving a thorough but precise rundown of recent changes in tax legislation and how they might affect my business. However after our meeting I couldn't resist getting him to sign my tits with a marker pen."

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