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Ask Holly: Seeing as Brexit is going so well, maybe I should try to start a war too?

Dear Holly,

I’m really enjoying being foreign secretary, especially because I get to noise up mad old Putin. Seeing as Brexit is going so well, should I maybe try to take Britain to the brink of nuclear war too? What japes!

Boris

Westminster

Dear Boris,

Be careful picking fights with people in case they have a mentalist dad from Glasgow who drinks Tennants Super lager and calls everyone ‘big man’, even babies. He’ll come round your house and start shouting at your mum in a weird language no-one understands and your dad will mysteriously lock himself in the bathroom for 20 minutes.

Hope that helps

Holly

Man unable make it through day without taste of yeast

A MARMITE fan is worried he cannot function without the delightful taste of yeast.

After a pricing row threatened supply of Marmite, office worker Tom Booker believes he cannot live happily without his daily fix of a fungus that is also associated with the itchy groin complaint thrush.

He said: “I think we can all agree there’s nothing like the heavy, acrid taste of yeast, especially when contained within a cloying tar-like paste.

“If this Tesco thing doesn’t get sorted out I may have to cultivate my own yeast spores in a Petri dish.

“Just the thought it of makes my mouth water.”

He added: “Yeast is the best, nothing else comes close for sheer yeastiness.”

Consumer affairs analyst Nikki Hollis said: “If Unilever’s pricing demands are not met, Britons may be deprived of their favourite brands for long enough to realise they are vile corporate mulch that even a fox wouldn’t eat.”

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