ARE you worried you’re not annoying enough people while walking your canine chum? Our handy guide will put that right.
Don’t bother with a lead
Dogs are meant to run free. Why have them tied up when they can be jumping on nervous people who don’t like dogs? All you have to say is ‘Don’t worry, he’s friendly’ and it’s fine. Also your four-legged pal can run out into the road, giving drivers a chance to practise their emergency stop.
Be a pest with a ball
A ball is a lovely, healthy toy for a dog, and in the right hands it can annoy humans too. Wait until someone has walked past you to give the impression you’re considerate, then launch the ball in their direction and watch them shit themselves as your dog races at them in a state of crazed excitement.
Go out in the dark
Going out late at night limits the number of people you can piss off, but it also means you can go into stealth mode for more impact. Unless you have absolutely no sense of embarrassment you won’t have one of those ridiculous flashing collars, so the first time people will know there’s a dog about is when it creepily appears from nowhere to lick their hand.
Do nothing
Don’t waste your time shouting instructions that your dog will probably ignore anyway. Let it roam free along the cycle path, annoying and intimidating as many people as it likes. This isn’t irresponsible dog ownership, it’s just letting your pooch get in touch with its rich heritage of being a wild animal.
Use an extendable lead
This may seem to contradict previous advice, but not if it’s a massive extendable lead at full stretch, meaning you effectively have no control over your dog. Even extended by only a few metres, it’s an excellent trip hazard on busy streets. Gaze obliviously at shop windows while your dog forces people off the pavement and into the path of oncoming traffic.
