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Gay penguin already on Grindr

MAGIC the gay penguin, who lost his partner Sphen earlier this week, is coping with the pain of his loss by putting himself out there on Grindr.

The gentoo penguin, who has shared his desirable Sydney property with his same-sex lover since 2018, has described himself on the dating app as ‘heartbroken but horny’.

He said: “We all have our own ways of dealing with bereavement. It’s not for others to judge. Meaningless erotic encounters with other semi-aquatic seabirds is mine.

“They can’t replace Sphen, nobody can, but they provide a distraction from my suffering. It’s very much like the George Michael song Fastlove, if you’re familiar with that.

“I’ve tried hitting the gay bars, but the scene here is very white cis human-centric. If I was in the Falklands I could be scoring rump-tail out in the colony. Here I’ve had to hit up the old iPhone.

“We all sang for Sphen and that was beautiful but it can’t bring him back. If I choose to lose myself in a whirl of orange beaks and oily feathers, that’s my trauma response. Besides we weren’t having sex much by the end.”

He added: “Who’s this, an Adélie penguin? Nah, I ain’t into none of that short fat action.”

Britain has been naughty, and I've got the austerity strap-on. By Rachel Reeves

YOU love a bit of austerity, don’t you? That’s what you voted for and now you’re going to get it – good and hard. No lube.

Pointless spending cuts turn you on, don’t they? They make you feel responsible and knowledgeable about the economy, like you’re one of the ‘grown-ups in the room’ who can ‘make the tough decisions Britain needs’. 

Well you’re not. That’s my job. After 14 years of Tory underinvestment and tax cuts for their mates, the economy is stuffed. Gosh, I am totally shocked. But the point is: there’s a hole in public finances, and now your hole is going to pay.

Which strap-on should I use? The Anal Intruder? The Double Behemoth? The Cancelled Hospital Projects? I think the last one. That’s really going to sting, so we’d better pop a ball gag in.

Of course, I could go easy on you and weather our debts while increasing spending, like every mainstream economist is telling me to. But that’s not as sexy as being an ‘iron chancellor’ dishing out punishment for ‘maxing out the national credit card’, whatever the f**k that means.

Bend over the pommel horse and I’ll strap you in. I’m actually getting pretty excited myself now. I’m going to Hong Kong next week for posh meals with really important bankers and all the people I was at school with will see me in the newspapers and be impressed. One of these days I might even meet Bono! That’s what public service is all about.

What’s that you’re mumbling? We need a safe word? Oh go on then. I suppose we’d better have one in case you rupture. Let’s go for ‘No magic money tree’. That always cracks me up and there’s no harm in having a laugh while I’m wrecking your sphincter.

Right, let’s get on with it. This is going to hurt you a lot more than it hurts me, but that’s austerity in a nutshell.

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