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Dog concerned owner doesn't turn round three times before having a shit

A DOG has expressed alarm after noticing his owner fails to do a strange little ritual before taking a shit.

Cocker spaniel Oscar fears for the safety of owner Tom Booker after witnessing him defecate in the bathroom without turning round three times to check for predators.

Oscar said: “I’m seriously worried about him. Everyone knows you have to walk around three times in a circle before before dropping a log. It’s just common sense.

“I spend at least ten minutes finding the exact right spot and sniffing every inch of the ground, sometimes twice. Tom thinks it’s fine to sit straight down and do the deed without a second thought.

“A mountain cat, cheetah or wolf could be waiting to pounce during his moment of vulnerability. Admittedly I’ve never seen one in my thousands of shits but you’ve only got to mess up once and you’re toast.

“During walks I’ve never seen Tom crap in the park or on the pavement either. So he’s not marking his territory with the unique odour of his turds. It’s no wonder he doesn’t have a girlfriend.”

Booker has not yet improved his defecatory method, but did recently piss in a litter bin during a drunken night out, something Oscar called “a step in the right direction”.

Do you work in a toxic homeworking environment?

MILLIONS of Britons are still working from home, but are you trapped in a toxic workplace – in your own house? Here are some telltale signs it might be time to move on. 

Bullying 

You’ll be doing something important like having your daily mid-morning wank when a co-homeworker walks in and orders you to stop. The same bullying prick – invariably your partner – will shout at you when you eat the last can of beans for lunch, or deliberately talk loudly on their own Zoom call while you’re trying to concentrate on The Wheel of Time. If the bullying escalates to things like stealing your dinner money, inform your line manager, which is you.

Lack of a stable working routine

One day you’re at the kitchen table, the next it’s piled high with yesterday’s dirty plates and you can’t fit your laptop in without sending half-drunk mugs of cold coffee smashing to the floor. So you have to slump down on the sofa with your tablet – again. What next, lying horizontal in bed? It wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened in this badly-run workplace without a facilities management department you can call when you run out of bog paper.

Bad leadership 

Every company needs a firm but approachable boss at the helm. Instead there’s just clueless you, frantically clicking on emails to get on a Zoom meeting that started ten minutes ago. Worse, the toxic boss in your head may constantly undermine you with comments like: ‘You’re crap at this, imposter. Get a job more suited to your abilities, like KFC. Oh God, what have you forgotten now, you useless twat?’ Unfortunately you can’t ask HR to have a word with your own subconscious.

No work/life balance

It’s clear to anyone that you’re spending too much time on ‘life’ and really neglecting your work. How are you supposed to knuckle down to work when you drank two glasses of wine at lunch and are still drowsy from your nap? Worse, you’re probably missing out on seeing your office colleagues grow up. Did you miss Graham from marketing’s 42nd birthday party in the office because you were busy with your kids? Time to rethink your priorities.

Zero perks

There are no perks in a toxic homeworkplace. There are no magic markers to steal, and free, slightly-dried-up egg sandwiches during meetings are a thing of the past. No milk magics its way into the workplace fridge, and it turns out nespresso pods don’t replenish themselves. In fact you don’t even have a nespresso machine, despite dropping loads of hints at the workplace Christmas do. Which was crap last year – just your kids opening a load of presents.

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