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If your town needs something to put it on the map, that's not the fault of the town but the map. Maps should have all the places on them. That's the point of maps.

WAGWAN? Heaster is here, fam. An’ it is usually da time to celebrate chocolate, but Active J is a gangsta crew bossman hadult now, bustin’ a peng goatee, innit. An’ da Heaster Bunny is only for toddlers.

ANOTHER day, another L for the global economy. And not even Donald Trump can aura farm his way out of this one.

It’s good that the Doctor has a closer relationship with his companions these days. It used to be: ‘Okay, we’ve spent several years together mostly in one room and saved each other's lives countless times. F**k off then.’

WAKING with a hangover so intense that the blood trickling from my nose is bright green, I reflect on the special announcement I made yesterday to my parishioners. 

FORGET the Oscars or riding around in climate-controlled limos - what really gets me off is the thrill of mildly inconveniencing people to use the charging points on trains.

25-year-old accountant Olly O’Connor is looking for love and 22-year-old content creator Sophie Rodriguez is hoping for a monthly subscription.

About time that f**king tree got some leaves on, if you ask me. Shameless branchy bitch.

WAKING up with a hangover that causes traffic lights to malfunction throughout Westminster with its electromagnetic intensity, I reflect on a new ecclesiastical initiative I trialled this week. 

‘A NEW Great Depression may loom,’ says the BBC. ‘We could be going back to the 1930s,’ warns ITV. Am I the only one cheering and punching the air?