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ARE you, like King Charles, unable to stop working 16-hour days, not even taking weekends off?

FINDING true love is tricky at the best of times, so the last thing you need is trendy dating bullshit to deal with too. That’s why these things are so effective at deterring geriatric oldsters over 25.

WAGWAN? Say less. Man bare sufferin’. Parents made man give up da henergy drinks an’ man’s vapes after da schitz Christmas fing, innit.

IS your penis living in the present moment? Is your pussy on the path to spiritual enlightenment? Have your nipples achieved nirvana?

You’re shaken to discover that Stella McCartney is a nepo baby. Who next? Surely not Sean Lennon?

WAKING with something of a morning head, possibly due to the cold snap, I also find myself projecting frequent plumes of brightly coloured vomit. I had partaken of shots.

I HAD no idea being leader of the opposition, with a date in Downing Street later this year, would mean cancelling so many sex parties.

ASK me, all that Islamic terrorism was jealousy. They can’t drink, they can’t eat pork, and their birds can’t wear bikinis. No wonder they’re furious.

SLIGHT nip in the air? Warnings of frost? Then kit yourself out in five grand of outdoor gear best suited for Everest base camp and parade down Thetford high street!

ONE of the 20th century’s most dominant and divisive figures, Karl Marx’s work shaped hundreds of millions of lives. Which makes it all the more suprising it began over a biscuit.