Premium

And so a week that began with Lord Cameron requesting we all imagine him bent over, cheeks spread, bumhole gaping, draws to a close.

WAKING with a hangover so excruciating that were I to vomit the contents of my stomach would burn through to the Earth’s core, I reflect on my encounter with the Man Who Would Be Prime Minister. 

WAGWAN? Active J ‘as been hexperiencin’ da great houtdoors, fam. Crewdem an’ man decided to ‘ave a hadventure by campin’ hovernight in da local graveyard wiv da deadbots, innit?

AFTER every great disaster – Vesuvius, the Boris Johnson administration, Chelsea signing Winston Bogarde – come questions. But does history get the answers right?

The first guy to take a canary in a coal mine just couldn’t bear to be separated from his happy, tweeting companion for a whole day.

WAKING up with a hangover so physically harmful my toilet bowl melts when I urinate in it, I reflect on another momentous week in ecclesiastical affairs. 

HI there my little witches! Your beloved Cynthia here. I hope you've all been holding some space for me!

TIME to admit it: millennials are more cooked than pub chips. Boomers think we’re snowflakes, Gen X think we’re entitled pricks, and Gen Z think we’re cringe uncs.

One day, Ryan Gosling will grow up and realise he is actually a beautiful swan.

WAKING with a hangover so searing the negative psychic energy causes my pet hamster Judas to expire, I reflect on another momentous week in ecclesiastical affairs.