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FREESAT TO INCLUDE BBC,
ITV AND 36 CHANNELS OF
OBSCURE, UNWATCHABLE SHIT
"I'm looking forward to repeats of Shoestring," says old woman with nothing better to do

 
WEST BROM AND STOKE
BEGIN COUNTDOWN
TO RELEGATION
"It's going to be an exciting year of home defeats and cold, harsh reality," say ecstatic fans

ITV'S 'FLOOD' EVEN
WORSE THAN 'DAY
AFTER TOMORROW'
"You must listen to me or millions of people will die," says maverick scientist who is estranged from his maverick son

TOP FOURTEEN

• PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW TO F*CKING PARK ON BRINK OF EXTINCTION
• FRENCH TRADER WAS FORCED TO WORK 30 HOURS A WEEK
• 'LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS F*CKING RAT' SAY ZOOLOGISTS
• BRA RESEARCH MUST GO ON, VOWS SCIENTIST
• SCOTLAND DIES LAUGHING
• CANNABIS NOW WORSE THAN THE NAZIS
• GOVERNMENT TO TACKLE BINGE-W*NKING
• LEAVE BACON OUT OF IT, HEALTH EXPERTS WARNED
• LONDON BOMB 'NOT SCARY ENOUGH', BROWN TELLS MI5
• LIVING IN A BIG GLASS TUBE CAN ADD 40 YEARS TO YOUR LIFE, SAY EXPERTS
• CHILDREN TOLD TO SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE F*CK UP FOR 18 YEARS
• APPLE FORCED TO RECALL iPHONE AFTER TOASTER FAULT
• I'LL BE JUST FINE, SAYS PLANET
• GLASGOW UNVEILS COMMONWEALTH BID LOGO

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