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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

All dogs go to heaven. All cats go to hell. Guinea pigs end up in an endless squeaking purgatory.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the heinous crime of early twatting Easter eggs

WAKING and recovering from a temporary alcohol-induced loss of eyesight, I am astonished to espy two police officers and a fellow in a mitre, the spitting image of myself, standing by my bed.

Stick to these New Year resolutions, Rishi, and you'll win the greatest victory since the sinking of the Belgrano

SO Rishi has called an election in precisely six to 11 months. I smell a landslide Tory victory in the air, or it might just be the £450 panini press I got for Christmas.

How to dispose of a body without getting caught, by Claudia Winkleman

THE Traitors host Claudia Winkleman brings the show back this week – but when it comes to secrets of her own, she’s literally getting away with murder.

Mash Blind Date: can two people living the New Year, New You dream keep it up for a whole evening?

LUCY Parry, aged 29, and 27-year-old Jordan Gardner are both bringing entirely new personalities into 2024. Will they also find new love?

The Archbishop of Canterbury's review of the fucking year

WAKING with a head that feels like the site of bear defecation, my tongue the size of a pillow and my eyes awash with blood but otherwise chipper, I reflect on last week’s carol service.

2023 has been the year of Rishi. 'Like 1996 was the year of John Major,' says my wife

MY first full year as prime minister couldn’t have gone better. We are poised and ready for the great poll turnaround of 2024. ‘I have another perspective,’ says my wife.

A white home counties roadman swags Christmas an’ da X-Boxing Day ting

WAGWAN, festive fam? Peng tidings to you an’ your crew. Christmas been nang for man.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the joy and magic of fucking Christmas

WAKING with a familiar, dreaded sensation around my hindquarters, I realise that owing to an excess of spirituous liquor I have once again befouled myself.

Apparently Christmas is a time for forgiveness. So I forgive you, Britain

AS a Hindu, I don’t know a lot about Christmas. And my idea to do a show where I learn the true meaning of it was called ‘the biggest vote-loser since Suez.’