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All dogs go to heaven. All cats go to hell. Guinea pigs end up in an endless squeaking purgatory.
WAKING and recovering from a temporary alcohol-induced loss of eyesight, I am astonished to espy two police officers and a fellow in a mitre, the spitting image of myself, standing by my bed.
SO Rishi has called an election in precisely six to 11 months. I smell a landslide Tory victory in the air, or it might just be the £450 panini press I got for Christmas.
THE Traitors host Claudia Winkleman brings the show back this week – but when it comes to secrets of her own, she’s literally getting away with murder.
LUCY Parry, aged 29, and 27-year-old Jordan Gardner are both bringing entirely new personalities into 2024. Will they also find new love?
WAKING with a head that feels like the site of bear defecation, my tongue the size of a pillow and my eyes awash with blood but otherwise chipper, I reflect on last week’s carol service.
MY first full year as prime minister couldn’t have gone better. We are poised and ready for the great poll turnaround of 2024. ‘I have another perspective,’ says my wife.
WAGWAN, festive fam? Peng tidings to you an’ your crew. Christmas been nang for man.
WAKING with a familiar, dreaded sensation around my hindquarters, I realise that owing to an excess of spirituous liquor I have once again befouled myself.
AS a Hindu, I don’t know a lot about Christmas. And my idea to do a show where I learn the true meaning of it was called ‘the biggest vote-loser since Suez.’