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TAYLOR and I have been platonic collaborators for 12 years, and that’s a lot of wanking. This is how I plan to finally make it out of the friendzone.

EVERY photograph of a sunset, whether taken by a professional photographer in the Maldives or on an iPhone 6S in Llandudno, looks exactly the same.

THERE are neighbourhoods where only wealthy knobheads can afford to live, but oddly you’re meant to care about them. Residents of these areas can piss off.

THE only advice ever given by women, no matter what the situation, is now ‘dump him’, it has emerged.

A MAN respectfully refers to the devastating heartbreak which sent his life spiralling into a black despair from which it may never recover as his ‘then girlfriend’.

OI! MATE! Yeah you, across the street. Having trouble meeting birds? Sad bastard. Here’s how to tell her you’re emotionally available by shouting from three storeys up.

A COLLEAGUE is eating lunch at his desk for the sole purpose of making everyone he works with look bad, he has confirmed.

THE bravest and doughtiest fighters of Britain are here to fight, sah! And with platoon GB News joining battle the war is as good as won.

AN English newcomer to Burns Night believed it was some sort of eating contest for offal and mushy vegetables, not an annual celebration of a national hero.

CELEBRITIES believe themselves to be almost like normal people for making these unremarkable statements, and believe that to be an achievement.