Lifestyle

OI! MATE! Yeah you, across the street. Having trouble meeting birds? Sad bastard. Here’s how to tell her you’re emotionally available by shouting from three storeys up.

LIKE their ancestors, today’s potential brave young conscripts will be fighting for what makes Britain great. And that includes these beacons of freedom and democracy.

LEATHER sofas are only owned by parents and perverts who need wipe-clean furniture, retailers have confirmed.

EVERY other bird in Britain has admitted that the foul-mouthed parrots of Lincolnshire speak for them all.

IF the chance of getting it right is 50-50 it should happen half of the time. Instead, in these incidences it seems the odds are always against you.

A MAN going on a men’s night out that could conceivably end up in a nightclub has taken the sensible precaution of wearing trainers.

A WOMAN’S unruly crotch is a deliberate rewilding scheme and not a sign or laziness of neglect, she has asserted.

THE vocabulary you use around your teenager must be interpreted as ungenerously as possible because you personally are the patriarchy and racism, mum. Avoid these:

A MAN who recently hit 40 has somehow managed to do so without taking on anything that could be considered a responsibility.

A COUPLE claim that having to wear a bobble hat indoors all day is a desirable feature of their draughty old house.