UP for a scrap with the lefties, and it’s Easter? Willing to leverage chocolate eggs being in shops into a solid reason for an outburst of anti-Muslim prejudice? Here’s how.

HAVE you ditched your significant other in dramatic fashion but now realise you want them back? Win them over with this guide.

THERE feels something a tad amiss about my state visit to the US. Almost as if the prime minister is a back-alley ‘pimp’, and I am to take the role of his ‘bitch’.

WHEN Trump insults Britain and our Royal Navy does he mean the country, which is outrageous, or our prime minister, which is great?

THE goal has been set: find the supposedly stolen phone of former Starmer aide Morgan McSweeney, end the current government and choose the next one. Here’s how:

FORGET Big Ben and Buckingham Palace. If you want to show tourists what Britain is really like, take them to these places.

TRUMP'S war with Iran is jeopardising supplies of the planet-destroying fuel we all love. So how are you marking the end of plentiful oil?

ARE you feeling suitably outraged about the bastards at Waitrose who sacked a staff member who took on a scumbag shoplifter? If not you could be missing out, so here’s what to do.

FOR today's teenagers, activities once considered simple can be a mind-bending challenge. Such as these:

SPOTTED a colleague on the train or bus? Commute ruined. Unless you follow this guide to hide from them in a mature way.

THE sight of a single takeout pizza van has caused villagers to think their town is now on a par with London, it has emerged.

A WOMAN spring cleaning the flat she shares with her partner has decided that means chucking out all his stuff she does not see the point of.

FATHERHOOD is the most important experience a man will have in his life, apart from 100 per centing GTAV, but it can be harrowing. These men scored small, humiliating victories.

A MOTHER moving to a smaller house is offloading tons of useless shite on her adult children rather than take it to the tip.

YOU don't want to answer the phone during your sexual ‘me time’, but it could be important. Here’s what you need to consider, depending on who it is.

A MAN wearing a Ramones T-shirt in 2026 has been asked if he is aware there is more recent music.

EXCITED about the new tax year? Here’s how to party like an accountant before a thrilling new fiscal year begins in April. Don’t forget the Alka-Seltzer!

A MAN whose ex-girlfriends could reasonably be labelled as insane is having a hard time describing them without sounding awful.

WHAT happens in Faliraki stays in Faliraki. And here are more rules for what to say when someone asks about your ‘body count’.

A WOMAN is laughably concerned her new boyfriend might find her bisexuality off-putting, rather than an endless source of titillation.

A BRIDE and groom are so thrilled with themselves they have stolen a nationally-mandated four-day weekend of freedom from more than 100 people.

A MAN has wisely asked his girlfriend’s cat for permission to marry her.

TRIED to spice things up with dirty texts and been rebuffed? Here’s how to move onto a much safer topic: the British weather.

A NEW dating app focuses on the only two questions users actually care about: ‘How fat is she?’ and ‘How much does he earn?’ 

THE Artemis mission is underway, but space travel has been ruined by sci-fi. Try not to yawn as the astronauts send back incredible images of our moon, and not these things:

GOVERNMENT guidance has called for screen time to be limited for children under five. But frankly these other groups could do with some restrictions too.

NOT every film is as unambiguously amazing as The Matrix. If you spot these warning signs, walk out immediately.

ARE you genuinely excited about the upcoming Harry Potter TV series on HBO? Here’s how to find the urgent psychiatric help you clearly need.

A NEW cartoon based on Trainspotting will be a joyful learning experience for the under-fives, author Irvine Welsh has promised.

HAD a hit? Enjoying the money and blowjobs, but feel it does not adequately reflect who you are as artists? Then record your next album in your own colon, like these.

AN injustice has been done. And if any of you bastards here replacing tyres dares suggest Train Dreams’s sublime meditation on civilisation rightly lost, I will f**k you up.

YOU never forget your first love, especially if she’s on TV singing Eternal Flame because she's the lead singer of The Bangles. Here are more old crushes you'd get a divorce for.

DESPITE decades of documentaries, costumes and gay lovers, here are the people your dad is convinced were just a bit flamboyant.

RETIRING BBC presenter Carol Kirkwood has announced that after 28 years of weather, she and it are no longer involved in any way.

A MAN has engaged in a thoroughly virtuous masturbatory session over the Princess of Wales.

SCOTT Mills has been fired from the Radio 2 breakfast show, leaving a yawning beige gap of vapidity. Who could possibly replace him?

A MAN has forgotten how to be an underperforming drone after the four-day Easter weekend, it has emerged.

ATTENDING an online seminar is a fantastic opportunity to get stuff done while some arsehole is droning on about bullshit, research has found.

A MAN who accidentally ticked a box saying he was gay on his equalities form now feels compelled to go along with it, to be an ally.

AN army of retired old bastards with nothing better to do but sit at home resenting your working at home wants legislation to stop you.

NIGEL Farage has appealed to morons this week by calling for an end to working from home. Here’s why it isn’t as bad as he fears.

CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?

IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.

A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.