Councils urged to collect vile bags of rotting shit once per week
COUNCILS across England considering moving refuse collections to once every four weeks have been asked to do the exact opposite.
WAKING up with a hangover so malignant it has caused me to grow a third testicle, I switch on the wireless and learn that John Prescott has died.
ISRAELI prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu has instantly realised the jig is up and turned himself in after being issued with an arrest warrant.
THE UK is to be hit by a storm called Bert that takes five sugars in its tea, smokes indoors and wears a flat cap without a hint of irony.
THE Charity Commission admitted it is outside the scope of its enquiry, but that flying a centenarian long-haul while Covid was rampant was ‘some f**king bullshit.’
WAGWAN? At ease, fam. You is in safe hands. It was hanti-bullyin’ week last week and school recognised Active J’s bossness by awarding man to be da hanti-bullyin’ hambassador for man’s year. Gassed! Gassed! Gassed!
HANNAH Ingram-Moore has set up a charity to help innocent victims of buying Captain Tom cash-grab books filled with mawkish life lessons.
FORMER deputy prime minister John Prescott, whose greatest achievement was punching a protester, has passed on. If only he had punched these too:
NEITHER member of a couple are finding a basque and suspenders sexy despite both enthusiastically pretending to, it has emerged.
THE Daily Mail has rightly shamed Gen Z for favouring ‘woke’ sandwich fillings like avocado and foreign cheese. But at Pret a Gammon our sandwiches are all resolutely traditional. Try one of these.
Politics
KEEP seeing people using 'hilarious' nicknames for politicians that are actually just painfully lame? Here is a selection of the worst.
DONALD Trump’s transition team has already secured a kennel and water bowl for Nigel Farage to use when he visits America.
THE prospect of a second Trump presidency poses lots of terrifying questions. Here are your worst fears analysed and confirmed.
DONALD Trump has promised his supporters a raft of new policies when taking office. Here’s what he’ll do instead.
MOVE aside, gun-toting, flag-waving, antler-wearing rioters, lefties can be just as angry and ready to reclaim the election by force. Well, by asking nicely. Here's how.
FORMER prime minister Boris Johnson believes Trump’s stunning victory proves that his own political comeback is now inevitable.
Society
CHILDREN aren’t the only ones who have it tough, in fact us poor Millennials deserve your donations more. Here’s why.
THE shortlists are being made for three of the top posts in England. And once again, we see a numbing litany of unqualified men.
POLICE were called to a Le Creuset warehouse sale at the weekend as owners of Cockapoos threatened to turn tastefully ugly. These are the other riots waiting to happen.
DOGS who shake their way through every November 5th are not afraid of fireworks but moved by a deep sense of injustice for the executed gunpowder plotters, it has emerged.
DEPENDING on how badly your life is going, yesterday’s Budget will affect you differently. Here are the winners and losers of Rachel Reeves’ decision to tax and spend.
Lifestyle
A MAN has been exposed after posing as a veteran on Remembrance Sunday. But faking a military career is so popular you can’t help wondering if you should try it yourself. Let’s look at the pros and cons.
A TEENAGER is anxious that his ear piercing gives the impression he is attracted to the opposite sex.
THE greatest benefit of darker nights is the chance to see into the crappy front rooms of other people and judge them.
PLANNING a trip to the big smoke? Want that authentically wretched London experience the residents keep for themselves? Try these ten must-miss activities.
NINE and a half grand to spend a year hanging out with your mates in the prime of your youth is still a good deal, students have been told.
A DICKISH couple are certain people from miles around will gratefully gaze at the huge free fireworks display they are putting on.
Sport
LIBERAL despot Gary Lineker, who has cruelly ruled Britain from his throne of football lies for decades, has announced he is to step down.
THOMAS Tuchel has explained his being German and managing England is not an issue because the two nations are essentially identical.
THOMAS Tuchel has nobly accepted his career as a football manager who won trophies is in the past and begun a long, sad slide into irrelevance.
ENGLAND played five strikers on Thursday and lost. Logic dictates they should therefore increase the number of strikers to 11 for Sunday’s game, but will they?
Science & Technology
YOUR online Reply Guy, faithfully leaving a comment under every Instagram post, is always there for you. But what do his messages really mean?
THE re-election of Trump is definitely the internet’s fault in a way that has yet to be specified, everyone has agreed.
A WARM, loving message from a father is clearly a scam designed to trick his son out of money.
THE business-focused social media network LinkedIn has just begun an exciting new role rigging presidential elections in the United States. Click here to add your congratulations!
THE price of a good, solid shot of healthy human semen has risen by a full ten pounds to a princely £45 a time.
Arts & Entertainment
A MAN who is thoroughly enjoying the gig he is currently attending still, deep down inside, cannot wait for it to be over.
DO They Know It’s Christmas? is being rereleased with modern artists like Harry Styles added in. It could be a traumatic trip down Memory Lane if you’re middle-aged, so brace yourself for the following…
CALLING a show ‘Police Officers’ would be dull. So TV works hard to find alternative, cooler titles for pumping out the same old crap and ends up here.
PRESIDENT Trump not only believes himself a politician but an asset to the silver screen. Avoid watching any of these unless you want an unexpected jump-scare.
ABBA, Queen and Frankie Valli have been successfully interpreted for the stage, so why not these classic acts? Don’t families deserve to see them?
Business
CONSERVATIVE politicians who disdain government and adore business have been advised they could, instead of running for government, run a business.
WATER bills are to rise, because otherwise businesses failing by every metric would be unable to reward their shareholders. Here’s how that happened.
A GROUP of natural Tories have warned Labour to run the country in their best interests or every one of them will have left the country by Friday.
ARE you concerned that when the inevitable call from banking scammers arrives, you will be too savvy to fall for it and end up keeping all your money? Follow these steps.
RESIDENTS of a gentrified town are dismayed that the artisan cheese shop they collectively neglected is going out of business.
Work
A HOMEWORKER has begun to come into the office every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday purely for its selection of biscuits, colleagues believe.
ASKED to do something at work, which is really unfair considering the weekend you’ve had? Determined to lower expectations? Try these simple techniques.
A MAN has willingly slashed his income in order to pursue his dream job which still boasts a far better salary than yours, it has emerged.
A WOMAN is under the mistaken impression that her leaving for another job is an important emotional event for those around her.
Alcohol
SOULLESS pubs feigning a long rustic history always pull the same interior design crap based around the same few bollocks items.
APPRECIATORS of super-strength lager's complex flavours feel they have been ignored in Rachel Reeves’ budget.
A MAN is not tight or anything, he just thinks it is daft to spend a fiver on a pint.
MORE than 60 per cent of craft beer is brewed by big bastard corporations rather than independent bearded wankers, research has found.
