ANYONE applying to be a Reform candidate will be interviewed by the police to be on the safe side.

THOSE mocking the idiotic Piddington referendum that will achieve nothing have been reminded this is a bit rich coming from Britain.

AS a typical Reform voter, retired on ill health with a pension largely spent in Wetherspoons, I understand these crypto billionaires. I wouldn’t want anything back either.

THE members of the House of Lords have explained they cannot pass a bill about dying because it really hits home given where they are in life.

COMPLAINING about people behind their backs yields better results than talking to them directly, scientists have found.

STARTING at university? You will meet so, so many middle-class girls, usually studying psychology, that you fancy. But they will also have these infuriating traits.

WINSTON Churchill is an uncomplicated hero to Patriot Platform founder Danny Tommo and his balaclava-wearing followers. These are the five quotes he lives by.

LIKE annoying pop songs, numbers from the past have a habit of sticking in your head. Good luck ever forgetting these.

IF Burnham allows us to charge tourists as much as we like, you can bet we’re going to. These are the taxes we’ll impose, region by region.

SHOCKED that I, a man who masks up, blocks roads and hates the RNLI, believes strongly in Christian values? Let me explain the role Jesus plays in my life.

A 42-YEAR-OLD who was a pariah in youth for not drinking, not having sex, being right-wing and having a mullet is gratified to see those things become cool.

EVERYONE loves a get-together they organised, full of their mates. Everyone except the partner they’re dragging along who develops a terrible cough the night before.

UNIVERSITY beckons for thousands of teenagers, but independence comes at a price. Here’s what you face without mum and dad as backup.

THOUSANDS of self-satisfied twats who ‘prefer to holiday in September’ are not looking quite so clever as they begin their second day at the airport.

WANT to take your influencer videos to the next level by completing your bucket list while balls-deep in your lady? Don’t. I tried and I botched all my life goals.

A MIDDLE-CLASS couple are still reeling after an electrician working on their home off-handedly compared the two luxury holidays he has so far taken this year.

A WOMAN’S one-night stand has followed up on their sexual encounter with a request that she post feedback and a review on his profile.

A MAN has discovered his hot sexy Goth mommy girlfriend is actually morose and melancholic and hard work to be around.

JIM Davidson has split amicably with his fiancee, which is sad but a fantastic romantic opportunity for single ladies. Here’s how you should go about wooing this eligible bachelor.

A WOMAN whose boyfriend is sulking and refusing to speak to her is actually treating it as a lovely break from his wittering.

ON A date, but prefer to keep all that getting-to-know-each-other conversation to a minimum? Choosing these will make the evening as silent as a long marriage.

A MAN has been left confused by his wife turning down intercourse on the basis of not being ‘in the mood’, which is not an issue he has experienced.

AI. Everyone wants it but America has it, and they also have the best safety system in existence to make sure it can never harm anyone: me. This is how I do it.

THERE are all kinds of rumours going around about AI. That it’s dangerous. That it regularly breaks its own guardrails. That it could ‘wipe out humanity’.

A GAMING franchise centred on enacting criminal violence against innocents seems to be so beautiful it could heal the world, fans believe.

THE abyss of an age verification check has gazed back at a man preparing to prove he is old enough to access pornography.

ONLYFANS has revolutionised the way lonely men abuse themselves to sickeningly specific fetishes while thinking a direct debit constitutes a relationship. Do these and earn back.

ALRIGHT, you’re not that fascinating, but your company is less predictable than the 10,000th hour of Tank Wars. Get that phone down with these techniques.

YOU wouldn’t want to listen to Ed Sheeran whether he’s embroiled in a controversy about Palestine or not. Here are six more reasons you can give for pretending you’re cancelling him.

NOBODY ever has or ever will give even half a f**k about the support act no matter who they are, gig-goers have reassured Ed Sheeran.

AS someone who’s been playing video games for more than 25 years, I’ve got some ideas about what would make GTA VI truly special. Here are my suggestions.

THE Bayeux Tapestry is open to the public, but in truth you’re usually bored shitless at worthy exhibitions like this. Here’s how to pretend to be interested convincingly.

THE algorithm behind YouTube keeps stubbornly suggesting a man might like to watch things he was only watching ironically to sneer at.

PALOMA Faith says ‘Free Palestine!’ when she tucks her children up at night, ensuring they will grow up to become Tories. How are you being a smug left-wing parent?

THE King has revealed that he only sounded ‘giddily elated’ because he was being fellated at the time.

DO you want to hear ghoulish, salacious Royal gossip but there’s no way you’re reading a book by Earl Spencer? Here are the best bits condensed for your puerile tastes.

I COULD never forget Diana. Her radiance, her kindness, her compassion, and the identity of every man with whom she violated the sanctity of her marriage.

THE late Princess Diana’s famous revenge dress is up for sale, competitively starting at less than the average British house. Where are you wearing it?

RESEARCH has found that the older you are, the guiltier you feel about taking time off sick. And it can definitely cause some deeply irrational thoughts, like these:

MEN in offices have explained to their superiors that today is also a bank holiday if you are sufficiently into football.

MONEY is vulgar. We know you’re applying for this position because you believe you can maximise value for our shareholders. That’s why we prefer not to bring it up.

A MANAGER has reserved 30 minutes of a meeting to give his team a thorough briefing on his recent fortnight of seven-star luxury in the Dutch Antilles.

AN office worker is living in fear of a colleague who believes he is a real friend and not merely a work friend. 

STUDENTS newly arriving at university have hit the bars to drink away their fears about already owing tens of thousands of pounds.

DRINKERS under 40 are not managing to keep pace with their elders, leading to awkward round-buying and life-expectancy disparities.

MOST of England will be covered by amber heat health alerts for the next three days. How does that translate to lager consumption? Dr Helen Archer explains.

THERE’S a row over whether standing in pubs, or ‘vertical drinking’, should be banned. But there are plenty of other irritations to ban first, like these. 

HE’S been sitting there all evening and you know, and he knows you know, it’s his round. Use these ways to gently point it out to the scrounging bastard.

I READ Keir Starmer is allowing pubs to open until 5am on Monday morning to show the England game. Am I extending my hours? Am I f**k.