MAKING someone redundant isn’t easy for any manager. But if you’ve no other option with a colleague called, to choose a name at random, Rachel, here’s how to make it as painless as possible.

AN 11-YEAR-OLD who is top of his primary school maths class is set to replace Rachel Reeves as chancellor, he claims.

LIZ Truss has threatened to sue Keir Starmer for saying she crashed the economy. And her legal delusions do not end there.

I COULD have told you Rachel Reeves would bugger up the economy. She needs a lesson in ‘gammonomics’ - economics based on good old common sense. And I'm happy to oblige.

COUNTRY music is all about high drama, hard liquor and cowboy metaphors. Can it be adapted to suit lower-key British audiences?

HAVE you been excluded from Oxbridge on the totally unfair basis that you’re too stupid? Here are some alternatives for posh rejects, handily listed in descending order of snobbery.

PEOPLE who ride e-bikes are less annoying than normal cycling dickheads, even though they could probably kill you, it has emerged.

FRIEND selfish enough to be born in January? Insensitively expecting a birthday present regardless of your overdraft? These make ideal cost-effective gifts.

INDUSTRY bodies are reconsidering the legality of charging £1,906 in fines for paying for parking five minutes late. Dealing with these similar vexations could transform Labour’s fortunes.

THE Met Office has issued desperate, tearful pleading with your car warnings for huge swathes of the country.

A MAN is under the strange impression that neutering his dog will have a direct and irreversible effect on his own manhood.

FRIENDS who always cancel plans to go out do not like you and are not your friends, research has found.

FROM July you’ll have to verify your age to view internet porn. Here is a leaked draft of the questions you’ll be asked to prove you're a responsible masturbator over the age of 18.

LOOKING to rent a room in one of Britain’s finest overpriced cities? Here are your options from bad to worse to somehow even worser.

A JUDGE in Croydon has ruled that air-kissing is not sexual harassment. So which other friendly gestures aren’t criminal but remain incredibly irritating?

ALL your WhatsApp groups sharing irritating aspirational resolutions? Here’s how to transform their commitment to bettering themselves into your moment to shine.

TODAY, professional football players will play others who earn more, subjecting their team and town to patronising media write-ups. Who will be the plucky victors?

THE BBC has apologised to right-wing football fans for employing a man with vaguely left-wing views and hopes this woman will make up for it.

HUGE sums of dirty money have been chosen to host the 2034 World Cup in Saudi Arabia.

ALIENATED 1990s Manchester City fans admitted seeing their club blow a 3-0 lead against Feyenoord last night was like coming home.

THE storied history of the Premier League is rich with legendary managers, and Christian Gross. But which would you least look forward to seeing every other Christmas?

ON Saturday, the unthinkable happened. TikTok went dark in the US. Millions had nothing but words and images to scroll. And it could happen again, so learn from me.

AN AI revolution will make every British man, woman and child into productive little batteries to power their artificial intelligence overlords.

META boss Mark Zuckerberg, who enjoys regular sexual congress with thoroughbred horses at his Palo Alto home, has told his platforms to drop fact-checking.

APPLE’S fantastic new AI is providing false news alerts including Rafael Nadal coming out and Luigi Mangione shooting himself. Expect these over the day.

GOOGLE has released the UK’s most frequent search terms of 2024, no, not the porn ones. The results will surprise and depress everyone.

IS a woman under the age of 55 asking for plumber recommendations on Nextdoor? Or flirtatiously adding career goals on LinkedIn? You should definitely make a move. Here’s how.

THE history of popular music is littered with platinum albums that were largely filler. You bought these and wished you’d waited for the greatest hits.

A MAN whose rear end has never been anything other than vigorously washed has been allowed to enter Love Island, to the horror of other contestants.

A GALLAGHER brother and Shaun Ryder are teaming up to triangulate monetisation of their fanbases. These supergroups were failures from their first moments.

GOT a song in your head but can’t remember anything concrete about it? Here’s how to drive yourself insane while trying to find it.

THE bestselling albums of 2024 have been announced, and they prove today’s music is rubbish compared to what dads listened to in their youth. Let’s compare totally different things.

RIGHT now he’s flying, but Elon Musk is in a precarious position with Trump known to ditch anyone not completely subservient at whim. Stand by to savour his inevitable downfall.

A CANDY store. A Turkish barber. A newsagent which also does parcel returns. One of these must be genuine, but which? Reporter Emma Bradford investigates.

WATER: it falls from the skies. Collect it, treat it, send it out through the taps, sieve out the turds, treat it, job f**king done. Is that so hard, water companies?

THREE rail operators which are to be renationalised next year will soon have the same fantastic quality and customer service as your local council.

ARE you doing your job perfectly, breaking neither rules nor codes, but should resign anyway because you are becoming a distraction like Tulip Siddiq? Find out.

A LENGTHY prison sentence is expected for a self-employed woman who had the audacity to believe she could complete her tax return without breaking the law.

A BOSS who is firmly against homeworking and demands all his employees attend the office in person is fine with it today.

HAVING a good time? Sat on your sofas, stuffing your faces, watching Saturday Kitchen? Christ I hate you. I’m at work.

MODERN jobs like to advertise perks to improve your wellbeing at work. But while they're appealing in theory, you'll soon start to feel it's oppression of the workers.

A PHOTOCOPIER has decided not to attend this year’s office Christmas party because it finds it always a degrading experience, it has confirmed.

HALFWAY through Dry January, are you sticking to it while maintaining a rigid schedule of daytime and evening Wetherspoon’s visits, like a patriot should?

A GROUP of drinkers spent three days snowed in at a Yorkshire pub and are gamely pretending they loved it. They didn’t and nor would you.

THE UK is excitedly counting down the hours, minutes and seconds until Dry January can begin, it has emerged.

TONIGHT photographers will be prowling to catch shameful scenes of pissed-up Britain showing its knickers and urinating publicly. But how can you do this at home?

THE UK has yet to meet even minimum standards of honesty about its level of intoxication, it has emerged.

ASSERTIONS that sensible younger people avoid alcohol are being challenged by the sheer number of hammered teenagers everywhere you go.