WITH only ten days to go until the election, the Tories are running out of time to squeeze in their final remaining scandals. Including these will be tight.

NEW polling suggests the Conservatives could lose up to 300 seats, including these long-standing enclaves of delusional loathing:

THE prime minister pledged that his popularity would always be lower than UK inflation, which has fallen to two per cent. Has he kept his promise?

KEIR Starmer’s campaign strategy of solidly promising very little is thrilling the electorate. Next, he plans to adapt speeches from the great orators of history.

PRISONERS given the vote would unanimously vote Conservative, they have confirmed.

THE Conservatives are seizing control of the electoral narrative with a series of personal attacks on Keir Starmer, beginning by calling him a fat, sweaty whoremonger.

A RUTHLESS commercial enterprise masquerading as fun for children, the school summer fayre is screaming for your goods. What will you toss into its jaws?

AN ADULT woman has told her mother how upset about an unfair parking fine she is in the hope her parent will step in and pay it.

PUPILS on a school trip have come back with no new knowledge except that a classmate’s mum is a certified MILF.

BARRATT Homes have confessed they have no idea who designs, builds or orders their identical housing estates or why they keep appearing everywhere.

WORRIED about crime in your area? Excessive whimsy is much more of a danger. Here are some warning signs to look out for.

IS your lack of ink hurting your career? Are you being turned down before interview because you haven’t got at least a sleeve? These careers are tattoo-only.

A PROPER hard case is braving the sun with only a small smear of low-strength protective cream.

A CHILD-FREE couple planning an adult, sophisticated term-time break had forgotten their plane and resort would be deluged with screaming under-fives.

DEMAND for adult nappies is soaring, with one in five Britons wearing them. Are you missing out on this convenient new lifestyle option? These are just some of the benefits.

IN PRIDE month, everything and everyone LGBTQ+ gets to shine. Which is why we’re outing these iconic figures from the storied past and you can’t stop us.

DELIBERATELY cocking up the pronunciation of words is one of life's little pleasures, so liven up your otherwise drab existence by mangling these.

THE Tartan Army have confirmed that now Scotland have been knocked out of the Euros they will be backing England all the way.

THE England team, favourite to win the tournament, are in fact crap. Which one player is entirely responsible and should be sent home?

AN innocent young England fan who has only known Gareth Southgate as manager is puzzled as to why the team is rubbish all of a sudden.

ENGLAND fans watching the game in a fanzone today say they will not celebrate goals by flinging their pints in the air because they cost the best part of a f**king tenner.

WHEN the ‘worldwide web’ began to arrive in British homes in the 90s, it was going to bring people together and make us really clever from all that knowledge. Here’s what we stupidly believed.

A WOMAN is convinced social media is a suitable forum for her to cry and discuss her most intimate personal problems.

AN INCOMING phone call from a number you do not recognise can do one, it has been confirmed.

BEING handsome or beautiful is not the be-all-and-end-all of being attractive but it does account for 95 per cent, scientists have confirmed.

A WHATSAPP group is the mourning the loss of one of its members after it was discovered his silence was not due to him ‘being shit at the bantz’, but because he is dead.

USED to be you’d be up until 1am to see a couple of lasses kissing, now it’s on prime time. And the men. Your retired dad explains how it’s all changed.

SOME bands are timeless, others define their era, and these achieved longevity by having no discernible sound or image to either love or hate.

A TEENAGER who was looking forward to watching a woke message feels it was ruined by the makers blatantly shoehorning in characters and a storyline.

SEEN an absolute bargain on Facebook Marketplace? Ready for the physical, emotional and financial toll that will be inflicted faster than you can say ‘Is this still available?’

LABOUR will not promise that capital gains tax will rise, but have you, or has anyone you know, ever paid it? This FAQ explains what it is and why the answer is no:

THE soaring number of office workers selfishly dying at their desks is costing Britain £2.6bn a year, a new report has found.

A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.

A BUILDER working on a couple’s loft conversion has surpassed their expectations of him being an uncultured, bigoted wanker with zero professionalism.

OBNOXIOUS knobheads in your office have announced a programme of mandatory football enjoyment to accompany Euro 2024.

A JUDGE has ruled that saying ‘back in your day’ to an older colleague could be considered age harassment. Here are some phrases young people had better not say to you, then.

TO stand out in the job market, why not impress on employers that you’re a first-class prick with your job title alone? Any of these should do it.

OFFICE jobs look complicated from the outside, but all they really involve is sending these five emails again and again and again forever.

WALKING to the office printer to make some copies is as fun and relaxing as a fortnight in the Lake District, it has been confirmed.

THE nation’s fact checkers are still attempting to verify thousands of claims related to an apparently legendary night out your mate has told you about.

HIGH street pub juggernaut Wetherspoons is offering customers all-inclusive breaks at its hostelries at a wide variety of UK locations.

YOUR body, as usual, is craving a quick pint. But do you have time to squeeze one in? Take our quiz.

A COUPLE on a citybreak have reported that Berlin is a marvellous location for getting absolutely shitfaced.

ENGLAND has the highest rate of child alcohol consumption of all countries surveyed by the World Health Organisation, but are your children doing their part?

DRINKING sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down. And also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal admissions.