Man's forehead simply growing
A MAN has countered allegations of hair loss by asserting that it only seems that way because his brow is growing by the day.
ARE you playing dungeon master for busy working mums who just want to escape from it all and shag a centaur? Include these key points.
ATTENDING your child’s nativity play, even though he’s a mere shepherd for the second year running? Distract yourself with fury at these twats.
THE cultural event of the year, according to august commentators and heavyweight intellectuals, was when that one rapper called the other one a paedophile.
THEY used to be everywhere. It’s all your sister’s asked you to get in return for her laying on the whole Christmas day. But have you left it too late for a cheap tub of Heroes?
FATHER Christmas wants you to call him Daddy, and according to these musical masterpieces ’tis the season for him to get some. Listen and believe.
ASSERTIONS that sensible younger people avoid alcohol are being challenged by the sheer number of hammered teenagers everywhere you go.
IS a woman under the age of 55 asking for plumber recommendations on Nextdoor? Or flirtatiously adding career goals on LinkedIn? You should definitely make a move. Here’s how.
A WOMAN who nipped into Tesco to pick up a few bits has returned home with eight different contagious illnesses, she has confirmed.
Politics
MARTIAL law was briefly declared in South Korea yesterday because the president was in trouble, arousing wistful longings in these prime ministers...
THE prime minister has told former transport secretary Louise Haigh if she wanted to get a criminal record for fraud then she could have simply fare-dodged.
FORMER prime minister Liz Truss has announced she has a petition of her own which she is sure the whole nation will want to sign.
LABOUR have outlined their one-point plan to get young people in work which begins and ends with making them put their f**king phones down.
I AM barely five months into my job – and loving it – but oddly, there is a petition calling for a general election. I can only imagine it is for one of these reasons.
Society
ARE you full of the joys of the season, mince pies and festive-themed ales, or are you a vicious miser who deserves a good triple haunting?
TRAINS are so unreliable they have to come up with a host of stupid excuses to keep travellers docile. Here’s the truth behind their lies.
PETA have claimed a pub called ‘The Sly Old Fox’ is offensive to foxes. Which is a great way to stop people taking you seriously and presumably means these names are unacceptable too…
ENTERED a room? Concerned not everyone in it know you were born with coal in the bath and hatred of Thatcher in your heart? Let them know.
A MAN attending a reunion of his school class is shocked to see how badly all his former classmates have aged in the last 25 years.
Lifestyle
A RESIDENT of London has been stripped of her status by presuming to learn to drive a car by which she might visit other places.
GEN Z has confirmed the mullet is the official hairstyle of anyone who wishes to announce they stand outside of the gender binary.
A MAN has been exposed after posing as a veteran on Remembrance Sunday. But faking a military career is so popular you can’t help wondering if you should try it yourself. Let’s look at the pros and cons.
A TEENAGER is anxious that his ear piercing gives the impression he is attracted to the opposite sex.
THE greatest benefit of darker nights is the chance to see into the crappy front rooms of other people and judge them.
PLANNING a trip to the big smoke? Want that authentically wretched London experience the residents keep for themselves? Try these ten must-miss activities.
Sport
ALIENATED 1990s Manchester City fans admitted seeing their club blow a 3-0 lead against Feyenoord last night was like coming home.
THE storied history of the Premier League is rich with legendary managers, and Christian Gross. But which would you least look forward to seeing every other Christmas?
LIBERAL despot Gary Lineker, who has cruelly ruled Britain from his throne of football lies for decades, has announced he is to step down.
THOMAS Tuchel has explained his being German and managing England is not an issue because the two nations are essentially identical.
Science & Technology
THE first UK and Ireland TikTok Awards are here, and what a feast of quality they promise to be. These are the categories.
CONSUMERS are rejecting electric cars for a variety of reasons, but it’s great news for right-wing blokes who’ve always hated these effeminate vehicles. Here Roy Hobbs explains why you shouldn’t buy one.
NO reprisal is too extreme for the subhuman scum who use their bright phones in dark cinemas. Even these punishments are entirely reasonable.
YOUR online Reply Guy, faithfully leaving a comment under every Instagram post, is always there for you. But what do his messages really mean?
THE re-election of Trump is definitely the internet’s fault in a way that has yet to be specified, everyone has agreed.
Arts & Entertainment
FIRST gigs, huge gigs, controversial gigs, gigs where you just had to be there, except if you were nobody would ever believe you that it sucked.
MEN sick of films like Legally Blonde and The Devil Wears Prada being turned into West End musicals are demanding musicals of their films, like Die Hard or Taken.
NETFLIX, tirelessly searching for a new lowest common denominator, has made a film called Hot Frosty about a snowman who f**ks. The plots of these as confusing as their target demographics:
AN upcoming episode of Inside The Factory will explore how the BBC handles the misconduct of a high-profile presenter – from the inside.
THERE are hairstyles that are not only eye-catching and memorable, but were also behind hit songs. These dos lit up the charts.
DUNE: Prophecy is the latest prequel to an interesting story which proves all prequels to be leaden and unnecessary. These are why the genre should die:
Business
THREE rail operators which are to be renationalised next year will soon have the same fantastic quality and customer service as your local council.
A MAN working night shifts as a security guard and driving a 16-year-old Fiat Punto has abandoned plans to buy a Jaguar F-Type because the brand is now woke.
DID you put thousands of pounds into cryptocurrencies you had never previously heard of because a man on YouTube told you to, you absolute knobhead?
Work
A PHOTOCOPIER has decided not to attend this year’s office Christmas party because it finds it always a degrading experience, it has confirmed.
THE time has come to select your flavour of forced festivity with workmates. But you’re offered bone-dry turkey or pan-roasted hake when these are the options you want.
A HOMEWORKER has begun to come into the office every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday purely for its selection of biscuits, colleagues believe.
ASKED to do something at work, which is really unfair considering the weekend you’ve had? Determined to lower expectations? Try these simple techniques.
A MAN has willingly slashed his income in order to pursue his dream job which still boasts a far better salary than yours, it has emerged.
Alcohol
SOULLESS pubs feigning a long rustic history always pull the same interior design crap based around the same few bollocks items.
APPRECIATORS of super-strength lager's complex flavours feel they have been ignored in Rachel Reeves’ budget.
A MAN is not tight or anything, he just thinks it is daft to spend a fiver on a pint.
MORE than 60 per cent of craft beer is brewed by big bastard corporations rather than independent bearded wankers, research has found.
