THE Chancellor has confirmed that she will be targeting you and everything you hold dear in her Spring Statement this week.

RUSSIA is suspected to be behind yesterday’s closure of Heathrow which irritated tens of thousands. Would further inconvenience force us to surrender?

THE chancellor has explained to the electorate that, just like with voting for lower immigration and Boris, they will not be getting exactly what they asked for.

A SCHISM in Reform UK is the inescapable consequence of running a party entirely composed of frothing mad f**kwits, its leader has admitted.

VICE-president JD Vance caused outrage by disparaging random European countries that are definitely not, he later clarified, Britain. So where did he mean?

NEW bloke moved in next door? Have his secretive ways caused you to suspect he’s running a narcotics empire from the other half of the semi?

A DISABLED man is scamming the taxpayer out of a princely £75.75 a week, it has emerged.

TRURO has been named as the UK’s 'BDSM capital', but which depraved kink is your town desperately looking up on the internet? Find out with this guide.

BRITAIN’S men have rushed to reassure the economy that a shock shrinkage is nothing to worry about and happens all the time.

FEMALE pupils are underperforming at maths and science. Here tradwife Hannah Tomlinson and unreconstructed 1970s sexist Roy Hobbs ask what can be done.

A HUGE influx of tourists to the Cotswolds is only there because making the people who live in its villages miserable is such tremendous fun.

WHEN my wife insisted on buying an electric car I said 'yes'. Not because I’m an emasculated cuck, though. Because bothering to argue with a woman is what a Beta would do.

IF YOU are foolish enough to believe there is a Nordic secret to happiness you have never spent time with the Nordic peoples, experts have asserted.

AN UNORIGINAL woman only enjoys music, books and films that are enjoyable enough to be loved by millions, she has confirmed.

FINANCIAL expert Martin Lewis has exhorted morons who fritter away every penny they earn on useless shite to stop doing it.

CONCERNS have been raised over children being left unsupervised on gaming platform Roblox. So as a responsible parent, which game should you be allowing to bring up your kids?

GARETH Southgate believes all young people should miss a crucial penalty at a major football championship as a learning experience.

NEW England manager Thomas Tuchel has chosen the same tired old players who lost the last two Euros finals. Who should he have picked instead?

THOUSANDS of Cheltenham attendees are discovering that understanding horse-racing through a blur of cocaine and alcohol is impossible.

TRUMP’S threats towards Canada and the world are hard to take in without being distracted by his bizarre writing style. Want to emulate it? Here’s how.

IF you’re 50 or under, the computer has always been there. Finding you porn, stealing you movies, and never once being used for home accounting. This is your journey.

A YEAR ago, my Tesla Model 3 was cool. I admit I gloated. Now I am driving around in a Reichsmobile, but these avoidance tactics mean it doesn’t define me politically.

YOU hated them at the time, and now you hate them even more for popping up all bloated and wrinkled and reminding you of your own mortality. You’ll skip these comebacks.

AFTER a narrow escape with Sam Ryder, is the UK choosing our Eurovision entry so we fail and dodge the expense of hosting its humiliating spectacle?

DON’T look it up yourself, but this year’s Glastonbury line-up is incredible. Here’s why I reckon you should buy my tickets and go to the festival on my behalf.

SABRINA Carpenter has been criticised for her ‘sex show’ performance at the Brits. Here father-of-two Tom Logan, 46, explains why her detractors have got it terribly wrong.

THE NME has traditionally heaped praise on bands that were trendy rather than actually good. Here are some you slavishly pretended to like in the hope of being cool.

THE UK has admitted it has never heard of the ‘Aloo-min-um’ the US is supposedly imposing a 25 per cent tariff on.

THE government is open to the private sector’s involvement in assisted dying, and these brands you know and love are eying the profits.

FAST food chain McDonald’s has admitted its fancy branches with dark green signage firmly believe themselves to be on a par with Waitrose.

A WOMAN given a new role and job title is unsure whether she is being recognised for her outstanding work or treated like a prize twat.

THE customer contact teams at all Heathrow-based airlines have been given a surprise Friday off to spend at their leisure.

TOUGH decisions about who is deserving of disability benefits and who is not are to be outsourced to solid, dependable daytime drinkers.

A QUARTER of young people are not even bothered about working and are probably going to I dunno, hang out in a forest and shit working on their art, they have claimed.

EMPLOYERS advertising for new staff have confirmed they do not post salaries because prospective employees are beyond such petty considerations.

NOBODY on LinkedIn can stop congratulating each other long enough to admit they’re drawing dole. Use these phrases to cover up being between ‘great career opportunities’.

A MAN has put on a hat shaped like a giant Guinness pint resting on a shamrock brim with the reverence it deserves.

PUB giant Wetherspoons has announced it is entering the lucrative home delivery market, bringing pints, pitchers of Woo Woo and steaks direct to customers.

A MAN cutting out alcohol has realised that without it, his friendships are an awful lot of work.

OUT for drinks with the office last night? Woken up under the burden of some confessions that, in the light of day, you really wish you could forget? These will always be there.