KEIR Starmer has come to the defence of sandwiches by pointing out that his father was a convenient bread-based meal.

ANGELA Rayner has vowed to turn the whole of Britain into a soot-clouded hellscape of cotton mills, terraced houses and grimy cobbled streets.

THE prime minister’s approval rating is at an all-time low, but is he still more popular than you? Find out with this quiz.

MARTIAL law was briefly declared in South Korea yesterday because the president was in trouble, arousing wistful longings in these prime ministers...

ATTENDING your child’s nativity play, even though he’s a mere shepherd for the second year running? Distract yourself with fury at these twats.

RESIDENTS of the countryside have confirmed nobody understands their rural ways and therefore any criticism of their actions is automatically invalid.

THE majority of Britain has vowed never to buy a product from a company creating a false air of personability using the tried-and-tested friendly Northern voiceover.

EVERY train in the UK is late and everyone who is late for work has been dismissed by their employer.

ARE you full of the joys of the season, mince pies and festive-themed ales, or are you a vicious miser who deserves a good triple haunting?

YOUNG thrill-seeking drinkers, bored with gentrified gastropubs, are seeking out old-fashioned drinkeries that serve pints flavoured with intimidation and danger.

A POPULAR high street wargaming store has announced that the beauty pageant it was due to hold today has been cancelled.

A MAN has countered allegations of hair loss by asserting that it only seems that way because his brow is growing by the day.

ARE you playing dungeon master for busy working mums who just want to escape from it all and shag a centaur? Include these key points.

EVER met anyone from Lincolnshire? Can you even imagine saying ‘Where are you from?’ and the answer being ‘Warwick?’ No. These swathes of Britain are uninhabited.

A RESIDENT of London has been stripped of her status by presuming to learn to drive a car by which she might visit other places.

THE BBC has apologised to right-wing football fans for employing a man with vaguely left-wing views and hopes this woman will make up for it.

HUGE sums of dirty money have been chosen to host the 2034 World Cup in Saudi Arabia.

ALIENATED 1990s Manchester City fans admitted seeing their club blow a 3-0 lead against Feyenoord last night was like coming home.

THE storied history of the Premier League is rich with legendary managers, and Christian Gross. But which would you least look forward to seeing every other Christmas?

LIBERAL despot Gary Lineker, who has cruelly ruled Britain from his throne of football lies for decades, has announced he is to step down.

GOOGLE has released the UK’s most frequent search terms of 2024, no, not the porn ones. The results will surprise and depress everyone.

IS a woman under the age of 55 asking for plumber recommendations on Nextdoor? Or flirtatiously adding career goals on LinkedIn? You should definitely make a move. Here’s how.

THE first UK and Ireland TikTok Awards are here, and what a feast of quality they promise to be. These are the categories.

CONSUMERS are rejecting electric cars for a variety of reasons, but it’s great news for right-wing blokes who’ve always hated these effeminate vehicles. Here Roy Hobbs explains why you shouldn’t buy one.

NO reprisal is too extreme for the subhuman scum who use their bright phones in dark cinemas. Even these punishments are entirely reasonable.

THESE enigmatic band names promise exciting and mysterious things, but unfortunately are just masking how dull the music actually is. Be quickly disappointed by these artists.

THE cultural event of the year, according to august commentators and heavyweight intellectuals, was when that one rapper called the other one a paedophile.

FATHER Christmas wants you to call him Daddy, and according to these musical masterpieces ’tis the season for him to get some. Listen and believe.

A FRIEND who did not enjoy the TV show you recommended has now started to take a dim view of you as well, they have confirmed.

FIRST gigs, huge gigs, controversial gigs, gigs where you just had to be there, except if you were nobody would ever believe you that it sucked.

MEN sick of films like Legally Blonde and The Devil Wears Prada being turned into West End musicals are demanding musicals of their films, like Die Hard or Taken. 

THREE rail operators which are to be renationalised next year will soon have the same fantastic quality and customer service as your local council.

A MAN working night shifts as a security guard and driving a 16-year-old Fiat Punto has abandoned plans to buy a Jaguar F-Type because the brand is now woke.

DID you put thousands of pounds into cryptocurrencies you had never previously heard of because a man on YouTube told you to, you absolute knobhead?

MODERN jobs like to advertise perks to improve your wellbeing at work. But while they're appealing in theory, you'll soon start to feel it's oppression of the workers.

A PHOTOCOPIER has decided not to attend this year’s office Christmas party because it finds it always a degrading experience, it has confirmed.

THE time has come to select your flavour of forced festivity with workmates. But you’re offered bone-dry turkey or pan-roasted hake when these are the options you want.

A HOMEWORKER has begun to come into the office every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday purely for its selection of biscuits, colleagues believe.

ASKED to do something at work, which is really unfair considering the weekend you’ve had? Determined to lower expectations? Try these simple techniques.

A MAN has willingly slashed his income in order to pursue his dream job which still boasts a far better salary than yours, it has emerged.  

THE UK has yet to meet even minimum standards of honesty about its level of intoxication, it has emerged.

ASSERTIONS that sensible younger people avoid alcohol are being challenged by the sheer number of hammered teenagers everywhere you go.

A LOOMING Guinness shortage will deprive millions of their favourite tipple, but don’t despair – following these simple tips will turn any pint into a Guinness.

TWO friends who have just finished their first bottle of Chardonnay have discovered they both hold the correct views on every subject there is.

SOULLESS pubs feigning a long rustic history always pull the same interior design crap based around the same few bollocks items.