THE USA is determined to ruin your future and the only way to hit back is to follow Canada in boycotting its goods. What will you no longer buy?

LAW-ignoring right-wing populists across the West are horrified to see France’s functioning legal system convict one of their own.

THE whole of the planet’s health, wealth and happiness was solely dependent on a single country not being run by a berserk emperor, it has emerged.

WOULD you love to see Sabrina Carpenter live? Simply answer these questions about the Spring Statement and pop’s sultry princess and win free tickets – just like Rachel Reeves!

A STUNNED Basildon community is reeling at the revelation that a girlfriend was accidentally included in the top-level Bazzy Lads On Tour group chat.

TRUMP’S tariffs are causing economic chaos, but stupid financial decisions closer to home might be the real reason you’re broke. Here are some you keep imposing on yourself.

WHAT do Trump’s tariffs mean for me? How will they affect my family? What will they mean for the country as a whole? We answer in three words.

SINGLE-parent families, the chronically unemployed and anyone else without a pot to piss in will find higher household bills hard to afford, in case you f**king wondered.

TOO many April Fool’s Day pranks are lame and predictable. These push the envelope and take your joking to the next level.

TWO drunken RAF engineers who tore a statue of Paddington apart have been condemned as ‘the antithesis of Paddington’ in sentencing. Are you this reprehensible?

I GET it. Women on apps expect a man of my age to have settled down. The ones aged 24 to 29 anyway. I don’t know what ones over 30 would say. They’re not in my Tinder age range

MOVING house is widely acknowledged as the only way to live in a different house, but is it worth it? Or should you slump on the sofa looking as a wall you hate forever?

DO you live many, many miles from the sea, but still have a boat in your drive as if it were a short hop away? Go through our checklist.

A MAN who believes the spring weather gives him licence to wear a Hawaiian shirt has been sternly corrected.

A MAN has reached a key milestone in his journey towards respectable old age by getting through seven days and nights without shooting his load.

BRITAIN’S men are in agreement that chilling on the sofa, in the pub or in the shed is up there with hiking or windsurfing as an activity.

GARETH Southgate believes all young people should miss a crucial penalty at a major football championship as a learning experience.

NEW England manager Thomas Tuchel has chosen the same tired old players who lost the last two Euros finals. Who should he have picked instead?

THOUSANDS of Cheltenham attendees are discovering that understanding horse-racing through a blur of cocaine and alcohol is impossible.

A UK-based bellend is frustrated he cannot advertise his credentials as his area’s leading arsehole by driving a Tesla Cybertruck.

TEENAGERS have asserted there is no way anyone could ban their phones or social media because they have no idea.

THE government believes AI will save Britain, but before hopping on this particular bandwagon, maybe it should consider these glaring issues?

A MAJOR Hollywood studio is making a biopic of the so-called ‘fourth Beatle’ Ringo Starr, it has emerged.

THE Netflix drama Adolescence has resulted in parents being bombarded with warnings about online misogyny. Here’s how to massively overreact because you saw something on the telly.

STACEY Solomon’s new reality show set in her family's idyllic cottage will be an in-depth look at her personal life - including these shocking revelations.

ROLL up, there’s a new impenetrable TV show in town that looks fantastic and goes f**king nowhere. But you don’t want to be left out so you’re watching with the rest.

NETFLIX drama Adolescence is a harrowing look at masculinity that you can be over and done with in two nights maximum, viewers confirm.

HIGH street WH Smith shops will be renamed TGJones after a £76 million buyout. Do you have an alternative name?

THE UK has admitted it has never heard of the ‘Aloo-min-um’ the US is supposedly imposing a 25 per cent tariff on.

THE government is open to the private sector’s involvement in assisted dying, and these brands you know and love are eying the profits.

FAST food chain McDonald’s has admitted its fancy branches with dark green signage firmly believe themselves to be on a par with Waitrose.

A WOMAN given a new role and job title is unsure whether she is being recognised for her outstanding work or treated like a prize twat.

THE customer contact teams at all Heathrow-based airlines have been given a surprise Friday off to spend at their leisure.

TOUGH decisions about who is deserving of disability benefits and who is not are to be outsourced to solid, dependable daytime drinkers.

A QUARTER of young people are not even bothered about working and are probably going to I dunno, hang out in a forest and shit working on their art, they have claimed.

EMPLOYERS advertising for new staff have confirmed they do not post salaries because prospective employees are beyond such petty considerations.

NOBODY on LinkedIn can stop congratulating each other long enough to admit they’re drawing dole. Use these phrases to cover up being between ‘great career opportunities’.

A MAN has put on a hat shaped like a giant Guinness pint resting on a shamrock brim with the reverence it deserves.

PUB giant Wetherspoons has announced it is entering the lucrative home delivery market, bringing pints, pitchers of Woo Woo and steaks direct to customers.

A MAN cutting out alcohol has realised that without it, his friendships are an awful lot of work.

OUT for drinks with the office last night? Woken up under the burden of some confessions that, in the light of day, you really wish you could forget? These will always be there.