VICE-president JD Vance caused outrage by disparaging random European countries that are definitely not, he later clarified, Britain. So where did he mean?

AMERICA’S a bit of a no-go. Europe hates me. Best not mention Russia. It seems it is time to dedicate myself to the good people of Clacton.

A SELECTION of British lunatics are claiming, in the face of all available evidence, that Friday’s events were good for the US and Ukraine. Hear them out.

PRESIDENT Trump has promised that in the event of any military action against British forces in Ukraine, he will hold the prime minister’s jacket.

SOARING household bills are forcing Britons to cut back on purchases they believe they need to look cool, according to new data.

SICK of finding costumes for World Book Day? Just wrap them in some toilet paper and say they’re Mr Bump. Try these too.

ENJOY having an in-depth rummage in your nasal passages while driving to Tesco? Did you know people can see you doing that, and these things too?

ACROSS non-confrontational Britain, homeowners huddle together, united in receiving poor service but too cowardly to say anything. They dream of dismissing these.

A SINGLE woman’s active social life is discussed by her friends in the condescending tone normally used about a grandmother with only a Yorkshire terrier for company.

EVERYBODY, meaning residents of north London and residents of the Cotswolds, is obsessed with sex in the Cotswolds. But can it also be pleasurable in poorer areas?

A MAN who succumbed to the urge to knock one out while luxuriously soaking in the bath has immediately had cause to regret his decision.

A FATHER with only a slight paunch and moderately receding grey hair is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men, it has emerged.

HE’S the bullish tech billionaire turning heads and defunding federal agencies in the White House, but how can you capture that maverick Musk charm? Follow these tips.

A MAN who is a sucker for new fads is espousing the joys of sucking on disgusting little nicotine pouches, it has emerged.

TOMORROW night sees a clash of titans only Americans care about as the Philadelphia Eagles take on Taylor Swift in Superbowl LIX. Can she win?

TODAY, professional football players will play others who earn more, subjecting their team and town to patronising media write-ups. Who will be the plucky victors?

THE BBC has apologised to right-wing football fans for employing a man with vaguely left-wing views and hopes this woman will make up for it.

IF you’re 50 or under, the computer has always been there. Finding you porn, stealing you movies, and never once being used for home accounting. This is your journey.

A YEAR ago, my Tesla Model 3 was cool. I admit I gloated. Now I am driving around in a Reichsmobile, but these avoidance tactics mean it doesn’t define me politically.

A CONNIVING grandma has been able to use the internet since 1998 and just wanted an occasional visit, her cheated family have learned.

IS there a vinyl wanker in your office? Leaves at lunchtime and comes back with a square bag and a smug expression? Extol these musical formats over his.

PEOPLE who take 120 hours to send one-word replies to texts may seem like piss-takers, but they have their flimsy reasons. Such as these…

AFTER a narrow escape with Sam Ryder, is the UK choosing our Eurovision entry so we fail and dodge the expense of hosting its humiliating spectacle?

DON’T look it up yourself, but this year’s Glastonbury line-up is incredible. Here’s why I reckon you should buy my tickets and go to the festival on my behalf.

SABRINA Carpenter has been criticised for her ‘sex show’ performance at the Brits. Here father-of-two Tom Logan, 46, explains why her detractors have got it terribly wrong.

THE NME has traditionally heaped praise on bands that were trendy rather than actually good. Here are some you slavishly pretended to like in the hope of being cool.

WONDERING what Phoebe Waller-Bridge was up to while earning $60 million from Amazon without producing a show? The Fleabag star reveals all.

THE government is open to the private sector’s involvement in assisted dying, and these brands you know and love are eying the profits.

FAST food chain McDonald’s has admitted its fancy branches with dark green signage firmly believe themselves to be on a par with Waitrose.

RIGHT now he’s flying, but Elon Musk is in a precarious position with Trump known to ditch anyone not completely subservient at whim. Stand by to savour his inevitable downfall.

NOBODY on LinkedIn can stop congratulating each other long enough to admit they’re drawing dole. Use these phrases to cover up being between ‘great career opportunities’.

AS Labour MP Andrew Gwynne discovered, every WhatsApp group is a ticking time bomb of kompromat. Here’s how yours will lead to your eventual dismissal.

A HOMEWORKER ordered back to the office is spending long lazy days doing nothing to prove her point.

POWERLESS in their real lives, these wankers find their satisfaction in running a workplace like a Panzer Division. Which ones have bollocked you?

ARE you doing your job perfectly, breaking neither rules nor codes, but should resign anyway because you are becoming a distraction like Tulip Siddiq? Find out.

A LENGTHY prison sentence is expected for a self-employed woman who had the audacity to believe she could complete her tax return without breaking the law.

A MAN cutting out alcohol has realised that without it, his friendships are an awful lot of work.

OUT for drinks with the office last night? Woken up under the burden of some confessions that, in the light of day, you really wish you could forget? These will always be there.

PUB profits are falling and pubs may close, so attendance at your local hostelry five nights a week is now mandatory. Here’s how to get through it.

A MAN is insisting his friends dislike tequila because they have not had the ‘good stuff’, not because it is irretrievably vile regardless of cost.

HALFWAY through Dry January, are you sticking to it while maintaining a rigid schedule of daytime and evening Wetherspoon’s visits, like a patriot should?