UNSURE how a third runway at Heathrow will benefit you in any way? Perhaps you lack the vision required to kickstart growth. The answers are here.

JUST Stop Oil are disrupting the fabric of British society with their daring protests, albeit only the hand-embroidered floral fabric. These are their next affluent targets.

THEY work all hours. They’re entrepreneurs. And nothing matters more to them than putting a smile on their customers’ faces. So why are they locked up?

THE new trend of extremely brazen shoplifting is worrying. You’re probably agreeing with me now, but that's before you've realised I am a massive racist.

A MAN believes the roads of the UK are packed with swearing, gesticulating red-faced motorists as he encounters so many every single day.

A MAN who has lost his grip on reality is convinced that goods or services could once be bought with nothing more than a five pound note.

HERE I am, inside HMP Risley, for throwing a burning bin through a Holiday Inn window. When the real crime is that I was wilfully under-informed.

COUNTRY music is all about high drama, hard liquor and cowboy metaphors. Can it be adapted to suit lower-key British audiences?

HAVE you been excluded from Oxbridge on the totally unfair basis that you’re too stupid? Here are some alternatives for posh rejects, handily listed in descending order of snobbery.

AN otherwise progressive man has admitted that he is still transfixed by boobs and enjoys movies with massive explosions.

ONLYFANS stars are competing in sex challenges, but if your sex life is humdrum and you’re at best an average performer, less extreme ones are a lot more achievable.

THE memory that makes a man feel most happy and at peace is of his local branch of Screwfix, it has emerged.

IT is fine for a woman to use cocaine as long as it has horrifically awful consequences and she repents like a medieval witch, the Daily Mail has decided.

A TEENAGER will not come out of his bedroom and talk to his parents unless they pay a call-out fee of £50, it has emerged.

A MAN who has spent 16 years in London has moved back to Wolverhampton so he can be closer to those who do not earn nearly as much money as he does.

TODAY, professional football players will play others who earn more, subjecting their team and town to patronising media write-ups. Who will be the plucky victors?

THE BBC has apologised to right-wing football fans for employing a man with vaguely left-wing views and hopes this woman will make up for it.

HUGE sums of dirty money have been chosen to host the 2034 World Cup in Saudi Arabia.

ALIENATED 1990s Manchester City fans admitted seeing their club blow a 3-0 lead against Feyenoord last night was like coming home.

THE storied history of the Premier League is rich with legendary managers, and Christian Gross. But which would you least look forward to seeing every other Christmas?

THE Labour government has elected not to create the UK’s Silicon Valley between Manchester and Liverpool, for reasons as yet unrevealed.

CHINESE AI DeepSeek is cheaper and more intelligent than Western AIs, which should surprise nobody. Here it answers your questions.

ON Saturday, the unthinkable happened. TikTok went dark in the US. Millions had nothing but words and images to scroll. And it could happen again, so learn from me.

AN AI revolution will make every British man, woman and child into productive little batteries to power their artificial intelligence overlords.

DAD rock is an established music genre, but what about its trendier cousin, dad rave? Here are the evergreen tracks now serving as a soundtrack to DIY and car journeys.

IF the sad loss of David Lynch has spurred you to say you adore films that baffle you, you are far from alone. Never admit that these movies left you utterly bewildered.

THE curse of Strictly has claimed another victim, GoCompare man Wynne Evans. But are dark supernatural forces undeniably at work, or is there a simpler explanation?

THE Oscar nominations are out, and moviegoers worldwide are once again baffled that Dwayne Johnson has been overlooked. But are any worth watching?

THE history of popular music is littered with platinum albums that were largely filler. You bought these and wished you’d waited for the greatest hits.

RIGHT now he’s flying, but Elon Musk is in a precarious position with Trump known to ditch anyone not completely subservient at whim. Stand by to savour his inevitable downfall.

A CANDY store. A Turkish barber. A newsagent which also does parcel returns. One of these must be genuine, but which? Reporter Emma Bradford investigates.

WATER: it falls from the skies. Collect it, treat it, send it out through the taps, sieve out the turds, treat it, job f**king done. Is that so hard, water companies?

THREE rail operators which are to be renationalised next year will soon have the same fantastic quality and customer service as your local council.

A HOMEWORKER ordered back to the office is spending long lazy days doing nothing to prove her point.

POWERLESS in their real lives, these wankers find their satisfaction in running a workplace like a Panzer Division. Which ones have bollocked you?

ARE you doing your job perfectly, breaking neither rules nor codes, but should resign anyway because you are becoming a distraction like Tulip Siddiq? Find out.

A LENGTHY prison sentence is expected for a self-employed woman who had the audacity to believe she could complete her tax return without breaking the law.

A BOSS who is firmly against homeworking and demands all his employees attend the office in person is fine with it today.

HAVING a good time? Sat on your sofas, stuffing your faces, watching Saturday Kitchen? Christ I hate you. I’m at work.

A MAN is insisting his friends dislike tequila because they have not had the ‘good stuff’, not because it is irretrievably vile regardless of cost.

HALFWAY through Dry January, are you sticking to it while maintaining a rigid schedule of daytime and evening Wetherspoon’s visits, like a patriot should?

A GROUP of drinkers spent three days snowed in at a Yorkshire pub and are gamely pretending they loved it. They didn’t and nor would you.

THE UK is excitedly counting down the hours, minutes and seconds until Dry January can begin, it has emerged.

TONIGHT photographers will be prowling to catch shameful scenes of pissed-up Britain showing its knickers and urinating publicly. But how can you do this at home?

THE UK has yet to meet even minimum standards of honesty about its level of intoxication, it has emerged.