Society

THE Egyptian mummy removed from display at a Glasgow museum has confessed he felt violated by hundreds of eyes crawling over his linen-wrapped body.

THE government’s ‘Be Ready’ campaign is advising Britons on how to prepare for threats like extreme weather and cyber-attacks. Here girlfriend Nikki Hollis interprets that advice.

AHEAD of new tickets being released, the British Museum has confirmed the Shroud of Turin has been booked to warm up the queue to see the Bayeux Tapestry.

IRRITATING bastards who play TikToks loudly on public transport without headphones are greatly amused by the idea that they will be challenged and fined.

THE French have a lower retirement age and free universities because they’re not afraid to set a shop on fire. They would riot over any one of these British shit sandwiches.

AN upcoming ban on choking porn has not only saddened a fan of it but, because he cannot admit that, made him feel even more lonely.

THOSE French students rioting in the streets? That’s limbs, man. And we’re going to do the same because they’re right, school is boring and shit.

BOUGHT a diesel car seven years ago, for fuel efficiency? Now being gouged at the pumps? Turn the crisis to your advantage by skipping out on these events.

MEETING someone new and middle-class? They may assume, seeing you in your Reiss blazer, that you’re just like them when actually you’re better. Drop in these class markers.