Society

ONE week to go until the end of summer term and go f**k yourself, schools! We’re off on a term-time holiday!

ARE you furious about sickness benefits supposedly paying more than a job? Clearly it’s time to start claiming yourself since it’s so easy and lucrative. Here’s how.

A SENIOR judge has invited the public to look at the cretins and halfwits on the average jury and ask if they would like to be judged by them.

A TOTAL f**king wuss has confessed the odour of cannabis makes him feel terribly unsafe and as if police should arrest everyone within a 500ft radius who is not him.

THE objectively awful town of Skegness runs a hop-on, hop-off open-top bus service so people can tour its grim sights at their leisure.

BEEN slapped with a speeding fine? Convinced this is one of those laws that doesn't really count? Wriggle out of paying it with these clever excuses that will convince nobody.

THE train is into the station. You’re closest to the door button. But you sense the other passengers’ doubt. Can he handle this? Will he crack up?

THE arrival of summer has primed a father to condescendingly share his exhaustive lawn care knowledge with his ignorant family.

VANDALISM is now terrorism, according to the government’s rulings on Palestine Action, and you’re guilty. These are the atrocities you committed aged 12.

THE nanny state’s latest idea? That its citizens are so helpless they need assistance even to die. Well, I can die perfectly well on my own, thank you very much.