Health

THE public will secure GP appointments by fighting in simple, convenient gladiatorial contests under new government plans.

THREE years on from lockdown, the UK’s memories of it are now wildly distorted. Very little of this happened.

MEN spend less time showering and bathing than women because they have manly things to think about, like hunting and PlayStation. Here’s what they’ve eliminated entirely from the washing process.

WOMEN are confident that the major design flaw of menstruation will be scrapped in evolution’s next big patch to humanity.

A WOMAN who exercises before work, after work and on her lunch break has decided to briefly pop into the office.

YOUR dentist is disgusted to hear that rather than living off a diet of toothpaste you have been befouling your mouth with food and drink.

A STUNNING woman has posted a revealing photograph of herself in her bra and knickers to remind heffalumps to be positive about their bodies.

A WOMAN is mortified after being told of all the wild shit she pulled while tripping on a post-cardio rush of endorphins.

SAJID Javid here, veteran of many cabinets. I’ve stepped forward as the f**khead suggesting you pay £20 to see your GP. Here’s how the profitable Tory NHS will work.

FITBITS? Couch to 5K apps? Bollocks to that. Get in shape the 1970s way through everyday hardship for f**k-all reward.