THE UK is not about to erupt into civil war, but if it did which side would you be on? Find out with this quiz.

AS a good liberal you know you shouldn’t pass judgement on people whose lives you don’t really understand. Sadly you couldn't stop these thoughts popping into your head.

A RIGHT-WING rioter is feeling very grateful that filming yourself attacking the police and smashing up shops does not incur consequences.

THE chancellor has admitted she needs to raise taxes, and the electorate is fine with it as long as it only hits other people. Who would you target for revenue?

A NATIONWIDE survey has confirmed that the 1980s were easily the greatest decade for the snorting of cocaine.

BEEN casually eavesdropping aren’t sure whether you should involve yourself in the discussion? Here’s a helpful guide to needlessly sticking your oar in.

ANALYSIS of the last fortnight’s riots have revealed them to be caused either by deep societal issues or a handful of dickheads up for a ruck and a loot.

CHILDREN have reached the stage of the school holidays when boredom precedes consciousness, they have confirmed.

A MAN in his early 30s has chosen the perfect tattoo to let the world know how trite and conventional he is.

A GROUND-BREAKING gay man is breaking the mould of well-dressed, hilarious and fascinating gay guys by being absolutely none of those things.

A GROWN man thinks it is cute for him to refer to weekday evening as ‘school nights’, it has emerged.

A RESEARCH team has concluded that astrology is real and Virgos are total arseholes to a man.

WOMEN have admitted they demand large diamond rings because they are an unignorable warning to annoying wankers trying to chat them up.

A FATHER disappointed at an Algarve beach without a single topless sunbather has placed the blame firmly on his son's prick generation and their phones.

THE police are to remain on high alert this weekend due to the threat of further disorder. But will you be joining the race riots or heading to Dobbie’s instead?

A NEW Premier League season has begun, but which club deserves to win it most and will therefore inevitably triumph?

THE Olympic Games were kidnapped by an abseiling maniac from the Church of Scientology right under the noses of a global audience last night.

THE horrific crash during the women’s cycling at the Paris Olympics yesterday has raised hopes that cycling can now be stopped altogether.

AUSTRALIA are fourth in the Olympic medal table despite the country’s disdain for any activity that emphasises physical achievement over intellectual prowess.

OLYMPIC medal winners are wasting no time in consuming the precious metal discs they need to eat in order to survive.

THEY may be unknown now, but after the next fortnight our Olympians will crop up on Bake-Off, Strictly, and Celebrity Masterchef. So who are they?

TALL researchers have concluded that short men are inferior in every possible way.

BILLIONAIRE and philanthropist Bill Gates has sacrificed his life to make Windows work again.

A FAULTY software update has crippled banking, airlines, trains and everything else that runs on Windows, it has emerged.

A NEW film in the Alien series is set in Manchester’s shopping mecca the Trafford Centre, its creators have confirmed.

THE next mural by Banksy will be a zebra on the side of a CEX that will really make you think, the artist has confirmed.

AS an adult you can enjoy - or violently hate - any music on its own merits. But in your teenage years you were put off perfectly good bands by the twats who were into them. Bands like these…

ESTATE agents, using the magic of language, can transform even the foulest shithole into a desirable property worth borrowing £300,000 for. Here’s how they would sell you.

THE cliched internet billionaires on private islands in movies never went so far as to call for race war across a continent, audiences have observed.

BRITAIN'S sadistically bad rail services are being taken back into public ownership by Labour. So which one will you be most pleased to see the back of?

SEEN an absolute bargain on Facebook Marketplace? Ready for the physical, emotional and financial toll that will be inflicted faster than you can say ‘Is this still available?’

LABOUR will not promise that capital gains tax will rise, but have you, or has anyone you know, ever paid it? This FAQ explains what it is and why the answer is no:

A DEVIOUS manager has heaped praise on his staff only because he knows it will motivate them to double their efforts.

A RELAXED, fashionable office of high-earning professionals kept at a breezy 21 degrees is being watched jealously from the pavement outside.

A LIFEGUARD at a public swimming pool senses that the time may have finally come for him to perform an action that is neither sitting, standing or walking.

A TEENAGER is shattered after a full day of imagining what a full day at work would be like.

A TEENAGER in her first job was shocked to be remunerated for her efforts, having assumed it was part of a grand scheme to make her life miserable.

PINTS are scientifically proven to make all your troubles melt away, but the time of day can make them taste even sweeter. These are the best times to drink one, ranked.

THE time is now exactly knock off work and drink five delicious pints in a beer garden o’clock, scientists have confirmed.

GIGGLING friends suspect a woman, aged 33 and newly married, is refusing all alcohol because she is in a delicate condition after an epic session.

RESEARCH keeps showing that young people are choosing not to drink alcohol, the freaks. Here Tom Logan, 45, explains why this dangerous fad must end.

ELECTION night looms and every politics junkie is planning an all-nighter of intoxicants punctuated with celebration as Tories lose their seats. This is your timeline...

A MAN is keeping his anxiety in check by seeking reassurance from his emotional support beer, it has emerged.