POLICE detained Peter Mandelson using a series of arcane magicks to prevent him from escaping to the netherworld from whence he came, they have confirmed.

PETER Mandelson has told police he cannot be charged with a crime for forwarding emails to a friend as this would make the whole white-collar world criminal.

WE kept looking. We refused to give up. And eventually we found the one unbelievably thick, nasty and prejudiced voter who reflects the views of all Gorton and Denton voters.

REFORM party officials are recruiting candidates to run local councils from branches of Wetherspoons, they have confirmed.

COUNCIL elections are back on and the Greens are polling where they shouldn’t be in Gorton and Denton. So our helpful media have provided reasons not to vote for them.

OUR culture is full of wonderful creations the public once had great affection for who have been overused to the point we now hate them. All these need to piss off.

THE Prince of Wales is watching events within his close family play out while still believing he will become King William V one day.

ANDREW Mountbatten-Windsor is currently bemused to see patches of moisture appearing on his body, it has emerged.

THE Arctic blast sweeping parts of the UK could be hazardous, especially to your wanking. Here’s how to get yourself off safely in icy conditions.

A PUB’S diversifying clientele has separated into groupings of those who wear the same brands as the professionals and those who dress from Sports Direct.

THINK you know your history? Prepare to be shocked as you discover everything they taught you in school was a lie.

A PSYCHOLOGICALLY corrosive and morally reprehensible person genuinely believes all her problems stem from being a people pleaser.

HAS your perpetually broke friend bailed on buying you a drink again? While letting slip that all these activities were apparently within last month’s budget.

PERPETUALLY paranoid about ‘wasting the day’ staying in bed? Chill the f**k out by following this guide to enjoying it and not being knackered by 9pm.

CONCERNED about whether your recent trip to Londis to buy Monster was one in which you were mogging, maxxing, or both? We explain.

WE’VE all had a miserable birthday at some point, but it probably wasn’t as bad as Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor’s. Here are some unhappy ones that were great compared to his.

A CYCLIST used to weaving in and out of traffic has criticised cycle lanes for being too safe.

A LONGTIME couple’s romantic night out at a restaurant has made them realise their love language is now a chilly silence.

A MAN cannot understand what is happening as his latest bout of sexual intercourse extends into its tenth minute.

A MAN’S preferred positions for intercourse are the ones where he can lie back and enjoy the view, it has emerged.

A WOMAN who has met a man she does not immediately want to end her date with and never see again has no idea what her next steps should be.

WOMEN are no longer allowed to have sex with men because the asymmetrical power dynamic is ‘just horrific’, according to Gen Z.

A MAN about to meet his girlfriend’s father has been told what a kind, wonderful person he is and also not to get onto the subject of certain people’s right to live.

BELIEVE the only reason you’re not winning women over with your dick pics is the lack of artistry? Follow these tips to become the David Bailey of the penis portrait.

A GLOBAL shortage of memory chips driven by AI demand means many items will no longer be so freely available. Our tech expert explains why that’s fine.

HUMANITY has always known that, once a sentient AI was created, it would take over the world. But it never knew why, and nor did I until this stripping ban.

THE UK is to ban social media for anyone under 16 and anyone over 18, leaving a two-year window to make an absolute twat of yourself online.

FAKE images of undressed women are why technology exists, but are they better than an actual woman? Tech reviewer Tom Logan road-tested both.

A CERTAIN strain of indie appears custom-engineered for miserable middle-aged men to scowl at behind the wheel on the school run. If that’s you then you love these.

THE news that William and Kate have not had time to watch all five Bafta nominated films has the UK questioning what else they are f**king doing.

A ONE-WOMAN stage version of Dracula was as bad as anyone imagining a one-woman Dracula would naturally assume, critics have agreed.

THE right wing has no artists of any merit, and that makes them sad. Consequently they have decided they’re drafting these into their movement without consent.

AN academic specialising in the work of Emily Brontë revealed that fictional character Heathcliff should resemble ex-prime minister Rishi Sunak in both appearance and speech.

NOSTALGIA for the 90s is back again, but for every Wonderwall there’s a Mike Flowers Pops version of Wonderwall. These bands of the era are still going despite a surely ever-diminishing fanbase.

THE arrest of Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor means it is open season on any and all Royals. Who are you hoping to see convicted?

TRUMP has used the death of Jesse Jackson to be mildly racist, mention himself and attack Barack Obama. Here are more of his tributes to the recently deceased.

AN odd thing to emerge from the Epstein files is that Fergie seems to be constantly on the lookout for a man. Could you be that lucky guy? Let’s consider the pros and cons.

HALLE Berry is the latest celeb to say she won’t be sidelined because of her age, although it helps that she’s extremely attractive anyway. Here are some more heroic age-defiers.

PARENTS watching their children play in a under-14s game alongside fellow mum Madonna have described conversation as ‘excruciatingly uncomfortable’.

AN army of retired old bastards with nothing better to do but sit at home resenting your working at home wants legislation to stop you.

NIGEL Farage has appealed to morons this week by calling for an end to working from home. Here’s why it isn’t as bad as he fears.

ARE you unsure if your colleagues are genuinely sad to see you go? If you received any of these leaving presents, the answer is ‘no’.

A WOMAN has made up a feline scapegoat to blame for any personal noises or interruptions when in meetings with co-workers.

THOUGHT just being aware of mental health was enough? No. These are the uniquely detrimental generational challenges that you, as my employer, should be considering.

BRITAIN’S pubs are on the brink of collapse. You must do your bit to save them by drinking heavily during the day, and more.

BURNS Night is this Sunday, and if you’re thinking that provides a solid excuse to get smashed in January you’re half Scottish already. This is how to do it.

A MAN who has sworn off drinking this month has clarified that it only counts as drinking if it is in the pub, for God’s sake.

I WISH to make it clear that I do not hate pubs, in fact I am a huge fan of these places you like. How boring would life be without a lovely pint of Wife Beater and a game of ‘arrows’?