THE prime minister has assured Britain’s voters that the loathing is entirely mutual.
WAKING up with a hangover so intense that the buzzing from my head is a danger to overhead air traffic communications, I reflect on another busy ecclesiastical week.
THE animal kingdom have clubbed together to get Sir David Attenborough a birthday greeting performed by a stripper, they have revealed.
REFORM have taken a handful of councils across Britain and will now attempt to end immigration using only local planning laws. This is how they’ll try:
THERE is evil in the world, people. And it disguises itself by having white skin, being an incubator for terrorism, being members of NATO and it’s called Europe, okay?
ARE you still bitter about the writers of a TV show you loved messing around with a perfect formula and ruining it? You may have been watching these.
A WOMAN who recently lost weight is now the subject of a race by her female friends to put it back on her as quickly as possible.
IS this a spam email, or is it a genuine offer from Elon Musk to send you frozen sperm to birth yet more of his legion of children? You decide!
WE'RE set for big gains today, so let’s look forward to a fairer, greener Britain. That's assuming Green councillors don’t bollocks things up as impressively quickly as me.
Politics
THE local elections are a big opportunity for the Greens, but will they ditch the wacky policies and oddball behaviour that kept them on the fringes before, like this?
ANGELA Rayner is to return to cabinet but played by a noticeably different actress, Labour have confirmed.
GETTING so excited by a select committee hearing that you pronounce the end of the prime minister can only be a sex thing, experts believe.
THE media has stated that Keir Starmer’s time as prime minister is over, but without explaining exactly why or how that is to happen.
MANAGED to piss off your employees, your opponents and your own party? No problem. Bore them into submission like I do.
THURSDAY’S edition of political panel show Question Time will be broadcast from Angryborough in the county of South Bigotshire.
Society
A PROPER traditional racist who bases his prejudice on skin colour is horrified by the rising tide of anti-Semitism.
THE classic ice lollies of the 70s and 80s are more than just nostalgia. They symbolise a better time which only Reform can bring back, explains councillor Norman Steele.
A LONDONER’S journey to work resembles Odysseus’s journey home from Troy according to her self-serving bullshit account of the saga.
SHEFFIELD University has carried out a study of regional insults, most of which are stupid and make you sound like a halfwit yokel. Here is a sample in order of increasing shitness.
A MAN hosting a pub quiz has, without warning, written questions only about Gillian Anderson.
Lifestyle
THE Devil is flattered you imagine he can still afford designer clothing in this economy, but says you are sadly mistaken.
I’M not exaggerating when I say a pint of Guinness cheered me right up and made the opposite sex appear more attractive. And you can buy one at pretty much every pub in any town.
WOMEN with big boobs have confirmed they cannot go out of fashion because they were never in it, but remain enduringly popular nonetheless.
YOUR local real ale pub now has six guest beers and heavy metal T-shirts at the bar, it has confirmed.
ARE you the only man in a house ruled by your wife and your daughters? Are you humiliated daily by a domestic matriarchy? This is the catalogue of your shame.
BRITAIN? Nowhere better for a holiday, if they’d get rid of those goddamn windmills. And thanks to me beating Iran, you’ll have the greatest UK break. Here’s how.
Relationships
UNQUALIFIED FBI head Kash Patel is facing allegations of alcoholism and incompetence caused by his girlfriend being objectively more attractive than he is. Here’s how he clings on.
SHE liked diamonds and Picasso paintings. He slept under bridges and sketched caricatures for cash. It was a holiday romance with an unfortunate iceberg, and these wouldn’t last either.
IF she’s a serious actress in highbrow movies? Then your wife sanctions and allows your crush because it shows your discerning taste in women. All these are permitted.
JD Vance recently said he had forbidden his wife from going skydiving in a strange comparison to Iran. Here he explains the benefits of controlling tendencies - for her and you.
A WOMAN who has split up with her hopeless loser of a boyfriend is searching for a new man who is functionally identical, she has confirmed.
SHE is so lovely, and she has captured your soul. But as you’ve never exchanged a single word, how to tell her? Would staring like a pervert do it? Let’s hope so.
Science & Technology
A MAN cannot help but admit that a clickbait headline has done an incredible job of piquing his fickle interest.
A FATHER of refined tastes watches only the cream of awful AI videos spewed out by social media, it has emerged.
GOT a critical life choice to make? Why not allow a frequently hallucinating AI chatbot to make the right call? Here’s what ChatGPT and others should be advising you on.
Arts & Entertainment
MASTURBATORY opportunities can present themselves at the strangest of times. Who would have thought these classic movies would contain dubious wanking material?
THEY created punk and galvanised a generation, but almost five decades on from their debut release, how does The Sex Pistols’ discography stack up? Find out.
THE Michael Jackson biopic made the lucrative decision to end his story in 1988, before it all went too badly wrong. Which others need to call it early?
CRITICS say Radio 2 is stuck in a rut, and that’s where we intend to stay. When I take over the breakfast slot, here's how I'll be keeping it bland the 'Foxy Coxy' way.
CRITICS have slammed the biopic Michael for omitting the sexual abuse he was accused of. So what other changes might be made to music films to avoid upsetting audiences?
OUTSIDERS could never understand how it feels to be in the warm embrace of a thoroughly toxic fandom. For example, myself and the Bargain Hunters.
Celebrity
THE King has admitted claiming to own a domed ballroom a mile high in conversation with Donald Trump to see his crestfallen reaction.
FAT, proud and a role model for those who through no fault of their own are larger? Until an injection came alone and now you’re inspiringly thin instead?
DID you see Madonna onstage with Sabrina Carpenter at Coachella and eruditely muse that while one is young, the other is old? Decide which you should fancy with this guide.
CALL that an Australia tour? Pathetic and desperate. Kate and I would do a far superior tour if we could be bothered to get off our arses.
YOU never forget your first love, especially if she’s on TV singing Eternal Flame because she's the lead singer of The Bangles. Here are more old crushes you'd get a divorce for.
Work
A MAN has forgotten how to be an underperforming drone after the four-day Easter weekend, it has emerged.
ATTENDING an online seminar is a fantastic opportunity to get stuff done while some arsehole is droning on about bullshit, research has found.
A MAN who accidentally ticked a box saying he was gay on his equalities form now feels compelled to go along with it, to be an ally.
AN army of retired old bastards with nothing better to do but sit at home resenting your working at home wants legislation to stop you.
NIGEL Farage has appealed to morons this week by calling for an end to working from home. Here’s why it isn’t as bad as he fears.
Alcohol
NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.
CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?
IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.
A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.
