THE whole of the planet’s health, wealth and happiness was solely dependent on a single country not being run by a berserk emperor, it has emerged.

WOULD you love to see Sabrina Carpenter live? Simply answer these questions about the Spring Statement and pop’s sultry princess and win free tickets – just like Rachel Reeves!

A STUNNED Basildon community is reeling at the revelation that a girlfriend was accidentally included in the top-level Bazzy Lads On Tour group chat.

THE Chancellor has confirmed that she will be targeting you and everything you hold dear in her Spring Statement this week.

RUSSIA is suspected to be behind yesterday’s closure of Heathrow which irritated tens of thousands. Would further inconvenience force us to surrender?

TWO drunken RAF engineers who tore a statue of Paddington apart have been condemned as ‘the antithesis of Paddington’ in sentencing. Are you this reprehensible?

NEW bloke moved in next door? Have his secretive ways caused you to suspect he’s running a narcotics empire from the other half of the semi?

A DISABLED man is scamming the taxpayer out of a princely £75.75 a week, it has emerged.

TRURO has been named as the UK’s 'BDSM capital', but which depraved kink is your town desperately looking up on the internet? Find out with this guide.

BRITAIN’S men have rushed to reassure the economy that a shock shrinkage is nothing to worry about and happens all the time.

BRITAIN’S men are in agreement that chilling on the sofa, in the pub or in the shed is up there with hiking or windsurfing as an activity.

ORGANISING a hen weekend has forced a woman to become everything she has always despised.

A HUGE influx of tourists to the Cotswolds is only there because making the people who live in its villages miserable is such tremendous fun.

WHEN my wife insisted on buying an electric car I said 'yes'. Not because I’m an emasculated cuck, though. Because bothering to argue with a woman is what a Beta would do.

IF YOU are foolish enough to believe there is a Nordic secret to happiness you have never spent time with the Nordic peoples, experts have asserted.

AN UNORIGINAL woman only enjoys music, books and films that are enjoyable enough to be loved by millions, she has confirmed.

GARETH Southgate believes all young people should miss a crucial penalty at a major football championship as a learning experience.

NEW England manager Thomas Tuchel has chosen the same tired old players who lost the last two Euros finals. Who should he have picked instead?

THOUSANDS of Cheltenham attendees are discovering that understanding horse-racing through a blur of cocaine and alcohol is impossible.

TEENAGERS have asserted there is no way anyone could ban their phones or social media because they have no idea.

THE government believes AI will save Britain, but before hopping on this particular bandwagon, maybe it should consider these glaring issues?

TRUMP’S threats towards Canada and the world are hard to take in without being distracted by his bizarre writing style. Want to emulate it? Here’s how.

THE Netflix drama Adolescence has resulted in parents being bombarded with warnings about online misogyny. Here’s how to massively overreact because you saw something on the telly.

STACEY Solomon’s new reality show set in her family's idyllic cottage will be an in-depth look at her personal life - including these shocking revelations.

ROLL up, there’s a new impenetrable TV show in town that looks fantastic and goes f**king nowhere. But you don’t want to be left out so you’re watching with the rest.

NETFLIX drama Adolescence is a harrowing look at masculinity that you can be over and done with in two nights maximum, viewers confirm.

YOU hated them at the time, and now you hate them even more for popping up all bloated and wrinkled and reminding you of your own mortality. You’ll skip these comebacks.

HIGH street WH Smith shops will be renamed TGJones after a £76 million buyout. Do you have an alternative name?

THE UK has admitted it has never heard of the ‘Aloo-min-um’ the US is supposedly imposing a 25 per cent tariff on.

THE government is open to the private sector’s involvement in assisted dying, and these brands you know and love are eying the profits.

FAST food chain McDonald’s has admitted its fancy branches with dark green signage firmly believe themselves to be on a par with Waitrose.

A WOMAN given a new role and job title is unsure whether she is being recognised for her outstanding work or treated like a prize twat.

THE customer contact teams at all Heathrow-based airlines have been given a surprise Friday off to spend at their leisure.

TOUGH decisions about who is deserving of disability benefits and who is not are to be outsourced to solid, dependable daytime drinkers.

A QUARTER of young people are not even bothered about working and are probably going to I dunno, hang out in a forest and shit working on their art, they have claimed.

EMPLOYERS advertising for new staff have confirmed they do not post salaries because prospective employees are beyond such petty considerations.

NOBODY on LinkedIn can stop congratulating each other long enough to admit they’re drawing dole. Use these phrases to cover up being between ‘great career opportunities’.

A MAN has put on a hat shaped like a giant Guinness pint resting on a shamrock brim with the reverence it deserves.

PUB giant Wetherspoons has announced it is entering the lucrative home delivery market, bringing pints, pitchers of Woo Woo and steaks direct to customers.

A MAN cutting out alcohol has realised that without it, his friendships are an awful lot of work.

OUT for drinks with the office last night? Woken up under the burden of some confessions that, in the light of day, you really wish you could forget? These will always be there.