AWARD-winning pop sensation Justin Timberlake has been wowing crowds for decades. Here he explains why his next project is to represent the constituents of Barnsley North.
ON hot days a pint of beer is a delicious and refreshing way to bring your mood right down, experts have confirmed.
WE have held debates, I won them all and they were on television. Everybody watched them and everybody will therefore vote for me or what was the point?
THE party leaders have revealed their favourite TV shows, which is obviously a pack of lies intended to project how normal they are. Here’s what they really binge-watch.
A TOTAL dick has used up annual leave to secure a tee time on a Wednesday because the weekend is a bit busy.
ENGLAND have hit out at critics, explaining that through patient, cautious exploratory manoeuvres they believe they have ascertained exactly where the goal is.
THE prime minister is holding out for every single one of the 15 Conservatives being investigated for gambling to be charged so his William Hill wager pays off.
ENGLAND has decided that if it is going to blame someone it might as well blame the best player in its team, Jude Bellingham.
Politics
NEW polling suggests the Conservatives could lose up to 300 seats, including these long-standing enclaves of delusional loathing:
THE prime minister pledged that his popularity would always be lower than UK inflation, which has fallen to two per cent. Has he kept his promise?
KEIR Starmer’s campaign strategy of solidly promising very little is thrilling the electorate. Next, he plans to adapt speeches from the great orators of history.
PRISONERS given the vote would unanimously vote Conservative, they have confirmed.
THE Conservatives are seizing control of the electoral narrative with a series of personal attacks on Keir Starmer, beginning by calling him a fat, sweaty whoremonger.
REFORM have narrowly edged ahead of the Conservatives in a battle to be Britain’s most unelectable right-wing arseholes.
Society
PUPILS on a school trip have come back with no new knowledge except that a classmate’s mum is a certified MILF.
BARRATT Homes have confessed they have no idea who designs, builds or orders their identical housing estates or why they keep appearing everywhere.
WORRIED about crime in your area? Excessive whimsy is much more of a danger. Here are some warning signs to look out for.
A WELL-off mother and father are feeling grateful that their child has the good fortune to be born wealthy, it has emerged.
A MAN staying in a regular hotel is longing for the underlying hostility of booking a night in an Airbnb, it has emerged.
Lifestyle
A PROPER hard case is braving the sun with only a small smear of low-strength protective cream.
A CHILD-FREE couple planning an adult, sophisticated term-time break had forgotten their plane and resort would be deluged with screaming under-fives.
DEMAND for adult nappies is soaring, with one in five Britons wearing them. Are you missing out on this convenient new lifestyle option? These are just some of the benefits.
IN PRIDE month, everything and everyone LGBTQ+ gets to shine. Which is why we’re outing these iconic figures from the storied past and you can’t stop us.
DELIBERATELY cocking up the pronunciation of words is one of life's little pleasures, so liven up your otherwise drab existence by mangling these.
ABANDONED all hope of getting a shag? Fill your time with one of these cripplingly dull hobbies where your lack of sexual charisma will see you fit right in.
Sport
AN innocent young England fan who has only known Gareth Southgate as manager is puzzled as to why the team is rubbish all of a sudden.
ENGLAND fans watching the game in a fanzone today say they will not celebrate goals by flinging their pints in the air because they cost the best part of a f**king tenner.
COMPETITORS in punishing triathlons are at a loss to explain why they would ever take part in them, it has emerged.
Science & Technology
WHEN the ‘worldwide web’ began to arrive in British homes in the 90s, it was going to bring people together and make us really clever from all that knowledge. Here’s what we stupidly believed.
A WOMAN is convinced social media is a suitable forum for her to cry and discuss her most intimate personal problems.
AN INCOMING phone call from a number you do not recognise can do one, it has been confirmed.
BEING handsome or beautiful is not the be-all-and-end-all of being attractive but it does account for 95 per cent, scientists have confirmed.
A WHATSAPP group is the mourning the loss of one of its members after it was discovered his silence was not due to him ‘being shit at the bantz’, but because he is dead.
Arts & Entertainment
SOME bands are timeless, others define their era, and these achieved longevity by having no discernible sound or image to either love or hate.
A TEENAGER who was looking forward to watching a woke message feels it was ruined by the makers blatantly shoehorning in characters and a storyline.
AS the summer festival season gets under way, organisers have warned against using ecstasy, cocaine and skunk that does not carry the logo of an official sponsor.
Business
SEEN an absolute bargain on Facebook Marketplace? Ready for the physical, emotional and financial toll that will be inflicted faster than you can say ‘Is this still available?’
LABOUR will not promise that capital gains tax will rise, but have you, or has anyone you know, ever paid it? This FAQ explains what it is and why the answer is no:
THE soaring number of office workers selfishly dying at their desks is costing Britain £2.6bn a year, a new report has found.
A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.
Work
A BUILDER working on a couple’s loft conversion has surpassed their expectations of him being an uncultured, bigoted wanker with zero professionalism.
OBNOXIOUS knobheads in your office have announced a programme of mandatory football enjoyment to accompany Euro 2024.
A JUDGE has ruled that saying ‘back in your day’ to an older colleague could be considered age harassment. Here are some phrases young people had better not say to you, then.
TO stand out in the job market, why not impress on employers that you’re a first-class prick with your job title alone? Any of these should do it.
OFFICE jobs look complicated from the outside, but all they really involve is sending these five emails again and again and again forever.
WALKING to the office printer to make some copies is as fun and relaxing as a fortnight in the Lake District, it has been confirmed.
Alcohol
THE nation’s fact checkers are still attempting to verify thousands of claims related to an apparently legendary night out your mate has told you about.
HIGH street pub juggernaut Wetherspoons is offering customers all-inclusive breaks at its hostelries at a wide variety of UK locations.
YOUR body, as usual, is craving a quick pint. But do you have time to squeeze one in? Take our quiz.
A COUPLE on a citybreak have reported that Berlin is a marvellous location for getting absolutely shitfaced.
ENGLAND has the highest rate of child alcohol consumption of all countries surveyed by the World Health Organisation, but are your children doing their part?
DRINKING sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down. And also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal admissions.
