AFTER reading The Sun I agree my parents should be forced to sell their home to pay for old age care instead of funding it through tax. Here’s how the billionaire-owned tabloid convinced me.

ANDY Burnham is stupidly frittering his time on issues like buses and social care. This is not the job of the prime minister, who should be laser-focused on things like this:

EVERYONE is speculating about my plans as PM, but no one has guessed I intend to turn Britain into the nightmarish ‘grimdark’ world of Warhammer 40k. Here’s what to expect. 

TEENAGERS are being recruited on social media to carry out contract killings. Could your offspring be planning a hit, or is he furiously wanking as usual?

A SCOTTISH student has admitted he would swap every ‘Higher’ he achieves today for a simple, honest A-level.

RAIL firms are set to charge less for non-existent trains, thereby offering better value for services their customers do not receive.

THE Green leader re-posted an image of a man wearing a guillotine T-shirt on social media. Is that because he secretly loves lopping heads off?

A PAIR of designer sandals are doing an incredible job of caking their owner’s feet in filth.

A COUPLE are being unaccountably ungrateful to a Travelodge which, at no extra cost, provided them with the opportunity for a spontaneous 2am threesome.

A SOCIAL butterfly of a 41-year-old claims to know three whole people he can readily classify as friends.

A FATHER is refusing to let a spot of uncontrollable wildfire ruin his family’s holiday in Bordeaux.

OFF to sunny climes completely not expecting it to piss it down? These unfulfilling emergency pastimes will take your mind off knowing you could be in Britain for free.

MILLIONS of Britons have agreed to end the misery of painfully awkward occasional conversations with their neighbours.

YET another woman with a successful corporate job is leaving to follow her ludicrous middle-class passion.

MONTHLY liaisons with escorts are the main hidden cost of being single, it has emerged.

A WOMAN discouraging her daughter from having children appears to be speaking from bitter personal experience.

BREAKING up was a good idea but leaving a load of stuff at their place wasn’t. Here are the items you’re going to have to get back.

EVERYONE agrees sex in forbidden places is incredibly thrilling. However some locations may make you wish you’d stuck with your bed. Like these.

A MAN did not notice his girlfriend was keeping a conversation going even though he was not physically present.

BEING dumped can be devastating, but thankfully there’s no way you could be to blame. Here are the real reasons she did it. 

I AM proud to announce we have successfully landed a SpaceX rocket on the – what? That’s not Mars? You have to be f**king shitting me.

FIRST a version of ChatGPT hacked other systems, now it’s Anthropic’s Claude AI doing it. Are you understandably scared of an AI hacking you?

AS I explained in a somewhat tetchy interview with The Economist, an incredible tech-topia awaits humanity thanks to me. Here's what it will be like when I actually do it.

THERE are plans to add 'AI' to the secondary school curriculum, but you’re probably wondering what exactly pupils will learn. Most likely these things.

A GRANDMOTHER is operating her TV remote as if she intends to crush it into oblivion.

IN Transformers, Megan Fox is an expert on cars because her dad taught her. But fatherly advice is not the only reason women are permitted to know stuff. Here are some more.

STRUGGLING to start a conversation with the hot girl who has blessed a gig with her presence? These are the sound reasons she is ignoring you.

WOULD you like to impress friends, strangers and edit Radio 4’s Today by telling the same lies every other fantasist does? Take my accredited course in how.

SINGER and actress Ariana Grande has announced the next stage of her stardom journey will be a step back from public life, livestreamed to her 363 million Instagram followers.

THE world is shocked by revelations that Jared Leto has been accused of serial abuse, stressing they could never have suspected the Joker actor was a freaky creep.

WAKING up with a hangover so raging it has been declared a national emergency, I quaff several gallons of water to control the unfolding crisis.

YOUR teenage years are notoriously awkward, so what advice would you give to Prince George, who turned 13 this week?

A MANAGER has reserved 30 minutes of a meeting to give his team a thorough briefing on his recent fortnight of seven-star luxury in the Dutch Antilles.

AN office worker is living in fear of a colleague who believes he is a real friend and not merely a work friend. 

FANCY being able to call yourself something impressive like ‘tycoon’? Sadly these occupations are not open to the likes of you average income peasants.

PEOPLE who think toil should be enjoyable suffer from higher levels of work-related anxiety, it has been confirmed.

NATO Secretary-General Mark Rutte and shy Reform UK donor George Cottrell have called other men ‘Daddy’ in professional settings, so should you?

HE’S been sitting there all evening and you know, and he knows you know, it’s his round. Use these ways to gently point it out to the scrounging bastard.

I READ Keir Starmer is allowing pubs to open until 5am on Monday morning to show the England game. Am I extending my hours? Am I f**k.

NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.

CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?

IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.