KEIR Starmer has resigned from Parliament after realising his toolmaker father spent his childhood crafting one perfect tool, and that he is it.
THE government’s weather service has confirmed that this summer was the raunchiest f**kfest in the nation’s history.
BLAMING Brexit? How backward. We all know the predicted economic damage of Brexit was a lie, even though that has happened but by coincidence.
DAVID Beckham is apparently an avid gardener and keeper of chickens. He explains how to produce prize courgettes by digging in manure yourself, like he definitely does.
LABOUR MPs have founded a private school themed around the working classes so their children can grow up knowing hardship, but safely.
ANDY Burnham has been photographed in his smart uniform by his proud mother before his first day as prime minister.
MEN in offices have explained to their superiors that today is also a bank holiday if you are sufficiently into football.
THERE is no arousing word for a lady’s underthings and most kill the mood stone dead. We rank them from bad to worst.
Politics
DESPITE the UK’s natural unwillingness to help the unfortunate, Burnham’s plan to end rough sleeping has won support because they are rather scruffy.
WHY the hysteria? Climate change can’t be fought. Instead, follow these simple rules and you’ll find yourself savouring the wildfires in your neighbourhood.
I TRIUMPHED in the Clacton by-election, therefore Count Binface must face the Parliamentary Standards Committee. Because that is democracy in action.
A RESIDENT of Clacton-on-Sea feels the by-election sparked by its grifting, usually absent MP is making the depressing, anachronistic resort look bad.
Society
CRITICISING any of Britain's many, many flaws will see immigrants shipped off for sheer bloody ingratitude, the government has announced.
IT'S hard to believe, but not everyone likes you as much as you do. These are a few tell-tale signs people actually find you f**king irritating.
A NAIVE 18-year-old has decided to take a degree that will do nothing but deepen her understanding of the world and appreciation of the human experience.
Waking up with a hangover that's left my anus barking like a dog, I imbibe more water than a data centre to take the edge off.
A TEENAGER has convinced his parents that a grade 1 is the equivalent to an A* in the updated GCSE marking scheme.
A secondary school teacher could not care less what some kid they taught 20 years ago is up to these days.
Lifestyle
UPTIGHT middle-class couples indulge in the ultimate taboo in the bedroom and pretend they’re common. These are six of their darkest fantasies.
COSY crime is booming, and real-life murderers are not immune to its charms with more and more unsolved killings marked by tweeness.
THE estate of manhood comes with a single inoffensive M&S suit, to be worn at each and every formal social event. Including these.
ARE this couple trying to be your holiday hombres for the next fortnight, or are they pushing for a four-way in their five-star suite? Check these clues.
PARENTS demand presents but want nothing. Your attempt to treat them to something different will be resented and reviled.
IS your holiday is a gruelling test of your love for your partner? Here are some behaviours you wish they’d saved for when you’re not in their company 24/7 after spending a fortune.
Relationships
WOMEN have reminded their boyfriends, husbands and male family members that they can see who they follow on Instagram and have no intention of pretending they cannot.
A NEWLYWED woman throwing her bouquet is very obviously trying to ensure it lands in the hands of a particular unwed friend.
A man who emerged from the bathroom ready for intercourse is pretending he did not wash his horrible knob in his girlfriend's lovely sink.
A WOMAN is concerned that her one-night liaison with a personable stranger is moving a little too fast for both of them.
LIKE a beloved family pet being put down, before parting with one’s girlfriend she must be given one last wonderful day. Follow this schedule.
I HAVE recently discovered that the passage of time has been unfairly applied to me.
Science & Technology
THE abyss of an age verification check has gazed back at a man preparing to prove he is old enough to access pornography.
ONLYFANS has revolutionised the way lonely men abuse themselves to sickeningly specific fetishes while thinking a direct debit constitutes a relationship. Do these and earn back.
ALRIGHT, you’re not that fascinating, but your company is less predictable than the 10,000th hour of Tank Wars. Get that phone down with these techniques.
A CRAP desk fan from Argos is questioning whether it has the fortitude to keep its owner cool through a fifth heatwave.
I AM proud to announce we have successfully landed a SpaceX rocket on the – what? That’s not Mars? You have to be f**king shitting me.
FIRST a version of ChatGPT hacked other systems, now it’s Anthropic’s Claude AI doing it. Are you understandably scared of an AI hacking you?
Arts & Entertainment
THE BBC is rebooting Top Gear and of course, like everything else that damned corporation produces, it will be hideously wokified. Miserable white man Roy Hobbs imagines the presenting shortlist.
THE UK is looking for its next City of Culture and has ignored the obvious candidates in favour of locations with no connection to culture whatsoever. These are they.
ACTOR and left-wing idol Miriam Margolyes has replaced JK Rowling as the writer of the Harry Potter series, following online backlash.
ACTING isn't the preserve of the good-looking, the talented, or even their nepo babies. Ordinary people like you perform, and these six turns in particular deserve an Oscar.
THE unimaginative walk among us, still trotting out quotes from TV shows that ceased broadcast decades ago. These six scream ‘Jesus Christ, watch something else’.
Celebrity
THE men who spent an entire decade joking about, and thinking about, Dolly Parton's spectacular bosom are also mourning her today.
HARRY and Meghan are thought to be reeling in shock after their whole return to Britain was shattered by a picture of beautiful Kate smiling delightedly.
THE Duke and Duchess of Sussex are moving to Britain, and we’ve all got our own legally inadmissible opinions as to why. What’s yours?
THE Duchess of Sussex has announced she has been offered a major role in the soap opera EastEnders.
THE Duke of Sussex is going to try and waltz back into the Royal family by pretending the last six years did not happen.
Work
MONEY is vulgar. We know you’re applying for this position because you believe you can maximise value for our shareholders. That’s why we prefer not to bring it up.
A MANAGER has reserved 30 minutes of a meeting to give his team a thorough briefing on his recent fortnight of seven-star luxury in the Dutch Antilles.
AN office worker is living in fear of a colleague who believes he is a real friend and not merely a work friend.
FANCY being able to call yourself something impressive like ‘tycoon’? Sadly these occupations are not open to the likes of you average income peasants.
PEOPLE who think toil should be enjoyable suffer from higher levels of work-related anxiety, it has been confirmed.
Alcohol
MOST of England will be covered by amber heat health alerts for the next three days. How does that translate to lager consumption? Dr Helen Archer explains.
THERE’S a row over whether standing in pubs, or ‘vertical drinking’, should be banned. But there are plenty of other irritations to ban first, like these.
HE’S been sitting there all evening and you know, and he knows you know, it’s his round. Use these ways to gently point it out to the scrounging bastard.
I READ Keir Starmer is allowing pubs to open until 5am on Monday morning to show the England game. Am I extending my hours? Am I f**k.
NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.
