IF you ask me, New Year resolutions are just an excuse for the fun police to suck the enjoyment out of life. It’s like living in Nazi Germany, apart from the war, death camps and entirely different society.
IT only takes one appalling song to undermine a musical legacy. Here are the tunes that ruined everything for the talented idiots who wrote them.
A MAN was delighted to catch a glimpse of his own home on TV during a news item about a killing just metres from his front door.
HORRIBLE people have criticised Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s New Year’s Eve BBC show. However the singer feels it was a performance worthy of any pub karaoke night. Here are her tips.
THE UK is excitedly counting down the hours, minutes and seconds until Dry January can begin, it has emerged.
A MOTHER is selfishly forcing her entire family to watch a film that was made before 1990 and is therefore a slow, cheap, boring torture.
THERE are worse times to be alone; March to June 2020 was f**king rough, for example. But New Year’s Eve is a hard time for the single man or woman. This is how to survive.
A CHILD complaining of boredom has been handed the ultimate slapdown with a suggestion he play with his new toys though it is the last thing he wants to do.
KEEN to avoid being gifted the latest mediocre book by a TV celebrity abusing their fame by way of the written word? Complete the following form and email to the Home Office:.
Politics
WOMEN cheated out of five years of retirement have patiently informed the government that even if they were told about it being pissed off is justified.
EVERY man, woman and child in Britain is to be paid £500 by Elon Musk to have positive views about Nigel Farage.
KEIR Starmer has come to the defence of sandwiches by pointing out that his father was a convenient bread-based meal.
Society
THE time of year when the media fills space with round-up of whimsical news stories of the year has come around. But are they actually deeply disturbing conspiracies?
CHRISTMAS songs, all snowfall and merriment, are as realistic as a snowy village where children carol and adults carry armfuls of gaily-wrapped boxes. This is what it’s really like.
A WOMAN is sending Christmas cards with caring, personal handwritten messages to everyone except the worthless shitstains who did not send her cards in 2023.
ATTENDING your child’s nativity play, even though he’s a mere shepherd for the second year running? Distract yourself with fury at these twats.
RESIDENTS of the countryside have confirmed nobody understands their rural ways and therefore any criticism of their actions is automatically invalid.
Lifestyle
THE most wonderful time of the year is upon us, and you’ll be spending it trapped in a room with a person you abhor. Who is your Yuletide nemesis?
DECIDED to f**k up everyone else’s Christmas by having a wedding? You probably think these other things are a great idea too.
WOMEN are fully aware there are sprigs of mistletoe strategically placed over doorways and are deliberately disregarding them, it has emerged.
YOUNG thrill-seeking drinkers, bored with gentrified gastropubs, are seeking out old-fashioned drinkeries that serve pints flavoured with intimidation and danger.
A POPULAR high street wargaming store has announced that the beauty pageant it was due to hold today has been cancelled.
A MAN has countered allegations of hair loss by asserting that it only seems that way because his brow is growing by the day.
Sport
THE BBC has apologised to right-wing football fans for employing a man with vaguely left-wing views and hopes this woman will make up for it.
HUGE sums of dirty money have been chosen to host the 2034 World Cup in Saudi Arabia.
ALIENATED 1990s Manchester City fans admitted seeing their club blow a 3-0 lead against Feyenoord last night was like coming home.
THE storied history of the Premier League is rich with legendary managers, and Christian Gross. But which would you least look forward to seeing every other Christmas?
LIBERAL despot Gary Lineker, who has cruelly ruled Britain from his throne of football lies for decades, has announced he is to step down.
Science & Technology
GOOGLE has released the UK’s most frequent search terms of 2024, no, not the porn ones. The results will surprise and depress everyone.
IS a woman under the age of 55 asking for plumber recommendations on Nextdoor? Or flirtatiously adding career goals on LinkedIn? You should definitely make a move. Here’s how.
THE first UK and Ireland TikTok Awards are here, and what a feast of quality they promise to be. These are the categories.
CONSUMERS are rejecting electric cars for a variety of reasons, but it’s great news for right-wing blokes who’ve always hated these effeminate vehicles. Here Roy Hobbs explains why you shouldn’t buy one.
NO reprisal is too extreme for the subhuman scum who use their bright phones in dark cinemas. Even these punishments are entirely reasonable.
Arts & Entertainment
THE famous 1991 sex tips video Lovers’ Guide is in the news due to the sad death of one its stars. But like so many vaguely forbidden sex things, the reality didn’t match up...
THE BBC has announced it is choosing women for everything from now on because they mostly do not cause horrible sleazy scandals that take ages to sort out.
ANAL can be a beautiful act between loving couples in committed relationships, but is rarely portrayed that way by so-called liberal Hollywood. These acts are off-putting.
THESE enigmatic band names promise exciting and mysterious things, but unfortunately are just masking how dull the music actually is. Be quickly disappointed by these artists.
THE cultural event of the year, according to august commentators and heavyweight intellectuals, was when that one rapper called the other one a paedophile.
Business
WATER: it falls from the skies. Collect it, treat it, send it out through the taps, sieve out the turds, treat it, job f**king done. Is that so hard, water companies?
THREE rail operators which are to be renationalised next year will soon have the same fantastic quality and customer service as your local council.
A MAN working night shifts as a security guard and driving a 16-year-old Fiat Punto has abandoned plans to buy a Jaguar F-Type because the brand is now woke.
Work
MODERN jobs like to advertise perks to improve your wellbeing at work. But while they're appealing in theory, you'll soon start to feel it's oppression of the workers.
A PHOTOCOPIER has decided not to attend this year’s office Christmas party because it finds it always a degrading experience, it has confirmed.
THE time has come to select your flavour of forced festivity with workmates. But you’re offered bone-dry turkey or pan-roasted hake when these are the options you want.
A HOMEWORKER has begun to come into the office every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday purely for its selection of biscuits, colleagues believe.
ASKED to do something at work, which is really unfair considering the weekend you’ve had? Determined to lower expectations? Try these simple techniques.
A MAN has willingly slashed his income in order to pursue his dream job which still boasts a far better salary than yours, it has emerged.
Alcohol
TONIGHT photographers will be prowling to catch shameful scenes of pissed-up Britain showing its knickers and urinating publicly. But how can you do this at home?
THE UK has yet to meet even minimum standards of honesty about its level of intoxication, it has emerged.
ASSERTIONS that sensible younger people avoid alcohol are being challenged by the sheer number of hammered teenagers everywhere you go.
A LOOMING Guinness shortage will deprive millions of their favourite tipple, but don’t despair – following these simple tips will turn any pint into a Guinness.
TWO friends who have just finished their first bottle of Chardonnay have discovered they both hold the correct views on every subject there is.
SOULLESS pubs feigning a long rustic history always pull the same interior design crap based around the same few bollocks items.
