THE country needs revenue and tax rises are forecast in the coming budget. Who, discounting you obviously, should be targeted?

THE voting public has told Wes Streeting to halt his leadership manoeuvres because ousting Starmer is their job and will be their delight.

AS former breast-expanding hypnotherapist Zach Polanski’s Greens rise in the polls, we examine what political leaders can do for the size, lift and morale of your knockers.

PRESIDENT Trump has threatened to sue the BBC for one billion dollars for saying he did things he actually, provably did. However, he is easily placated.

FOLLOWING a brace of BBC resignations, every other manager in the UK who believed Trump tried to overturn an election is now under pressure to do the same.

SHADOW justice secretary Robert Jenrick has proved his hard man credentials by saying ‘bullshit’ on Good Morning Britain. Here he lists other profanities he is prepared to use. 

THE sight of a town’s Christmas lights going up is a terrifying glimpse of the nightmarish festivity on its way.

IT’S the hypocrisy I hate. We’ve all done crazy shit for kicks in late middle-age. But suddenly it’s only me who fakes being an admiral on Remembrance Sunday.

SO ethnic minority NHS staff doing home visits are intimidated by my flags? I don’t get it. Why be scared of a flag that just means you like England and nothing else?

A TEENAGER has forced society to reflect on its shortcomings and hypocrisies by wearing a keffiyeh neck scarf.

THE English curriculum is to be changed to remove double Latin with Michael Gove to instead reflect the realities of the 21st century. These are the new subjects.

SURELY she isn’t. But then there are odd little hints that your significant other is masturbating as frenziedly as a man would. These are the signs.

CHANGING rooms are carefully designed to make you feel repulsed by yourself, the items you are considering buying, the whole concept of clothing and the world, it has emerged.

A KINDLY old man has reassured younger people that the thrill of masturbation never fades.

SO the Northern Lights are back. Big f**king deal, you might say. Well, it is for those of us who blew four grand to see the f**kers in Norway seven years ago.

A MAN’S hearing is so sensitive that he can detect a bra being unhooked from the other side of the house, his girlfriend has confirmed.

THE fashion decisions of a 48-year-old man are still dictated by his belief that blue is for boys and all other colours are troublingly feminine.

A HUSBAND and wife who clearly loathe each other are under the impression that every marriage is a horrible, relentless slog day after bitter day.

IT’S the question every straight man has asked himself: which fellow male would you have sex with if the alternative was being executed or something? Here are the least bad options.

MANY aspects of modern dating are weird and distressing, even ‘happy’ relationships. Here are some nightmare partnerships the digital age has served up.

A MAN is concerned that his marriage, which he has been in for 12 years after being together for three years, ticks every box required to be a romance scam.

A WOMAN who set out to voyage into the myriad mysteries of her sexual preferences is devastated to find she is uninterestingly straight.

WOMEN complain they shoulder the bulk of the mental load in relationships, while men quietly, heroically, make sure they never have to worry about these considerations.

GRAND Theft Auto VI will not now be released until next November. How will you slake your degenerate urges until then?

WOMEN have confirmed every sexually explicit text message they send goes through comprehensive rounds of group evaluation.

YESTERDAY’S widespread internet outage has offered the world a fleeting vision of the paradise life could be if not deluged with endless online bollocks.

GREAT. Now I can specify my erotic needs – Scarlett Johansson, H-cups, PSCO outfit – and ChatGPT will spin up a bespoke scenario. And I’m meant to leave the house?

ANYONE with a job is likely to have witnessed managers gushing about AI then quietly ditching the idea. See where your employer is in the cycle of AI hype.

THE BBC has issued an amber Children In Need warning across BBC1 and Radio 2 beginning this morning and running until 10pm tonight.

MANY great songs are born out of heartbreak. But it’s a shame certain artists didn’t find lasting love and not have to inflict these albums on the world.

ONLY musicians and students can indulge in being wilfully obnoxious as a personality. Each of these brings back memories of an arsehole housemate.

MEGHAN Markle is to play herself in an upcoming film despite the fact the Princess of Wales would be far better for the role.

ANIME is hugely popular with Gen Z, and with many adults who choose to gloss over many of the genre’s more questionable aspects. These are not often discussed:

WHATEVER happens with Kylie, I will always regret not following my heart and dating a woman who is British, middle-aged and drinks too much. And now, at 29, I fear it may be too late.

BEING a traitor isn’t the only thing Alan Carr has been lying about. Here is the disturbing truth about one of TV’s most beloved stars.

NO longer Prince Andrew or the Duke of York, the shamed Royal is still called Andrew Mountbatten Windsor. Should these fancy surnames be removed as well?

THEY’VE taken it all away from me. My Princehood, my Dukedom, my HRH. And now I’m completely anonymous. I could be anywhere. I could be in the room with you now.

I SEE Lily has treated the breakdown of our relationship with the respect it deserves, which is to say, by writing a song about my butt plugs. There’s a bit about a vasectomy as well, is there? Great.

AN office worker has exposed his lack of mental faculties by describing the solution to a complicated work problem as a 'no-brainer'.

YOUR boss is unfairly expecting you to work at your desk without falling asleep after you have eaten lunch, it has emerged.

A MIDDLE manager is experimenting with being pleasant to his staff in a bid to improve their productivity, it has emerged.

ENGLISH teachers likening themselves to Taylor Swift after the star referred to herself as ‘your English teacher’ have been sternly informed they can f**k off.

THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.

THE 3.8 per cent rise in inflation will not trigger any confusing rises in your take-home pay, the UK’s employers have confirmed.

HOME from the pub but don’t want the party to end yet? Behold, five questionable mixers you can make without nipping back out to the corner shop.

ANYONE else sick of gym bros saying you need to give up booze to get shredded? I’ve made heavy drinking part of my workout and I’m fitter than a Navy SEAL. You can be too.

YOUNG people are either exceeding or falling short of the specific amount of acceptable alcohol consumption older generations dictate, they have admitted.

WAYNE Rooney has admitted drinking throughout his Manchester United career, explaining a great deal. Perhaps these other luminaries were smashed the whole time.