THEY work all hours. They’re entrepreneurs. And nothing matters more to them than putting a smile on their customers’ faces. So why are they locked up?

MAKING someone redundant isn’t easy for any manager. But if you’ve no other option with a colleague called, to choose a name at random, Rachel, here’s how to make it as painless as possible.

AN 11-YEAR-OLD who is top of his primary school maths class is set to replace Rachel Reeves as chancellor, he claims.

LIZ Truss has threatened to sue Keir Starmer for saying she crashed the economy. And her legal delusions do not end there.

A MAN believes the roads of the UK are packed with swearing, gesticulating red-faced motorists as he encounters so many every single day.

A MAN who has lost his grip on reality is convinced that goods or services could once be bought with nothing more than a five pound note.

HERE I am, inside HMP Risley, for throwing a burning bin through a Holiday Inn window. When the real crime is that I was wilfully under-informed.

COUNTRY music is all about high drama, hard liquor and cowboy metaphors. Can it be adapted to suit lower-key British audiences?

HAVE you been excluded from Oxbridge on the totally unfair basis that you’re too stupid? Here are some alternatives for posh rejects, handily listed in descending order of snobbery.

PEOPLE who ride e-bikes are less annoying than normal cycling dickheads, even though they could probably kill you, it has emerged.

THE memory that makes a man feel most happy and at peace is of his local branch of Screwfix, it has emerged.

IT is fine for a woman to use cocaine as long as it has horrifically awful consequences and she repents like a medieval witch, the Daily Mail has decided.

A TEENAGER will not come out of his bedroom and talk to his parents unless they pay a call-out fee of £50, it has emerged.

A MAN who has spent 16 years in London has moved back to Wolverhampton so he can be closer to those who do not earn nearly as much money as he does.

A MAN is under the strange impression that neutering his dog will have a direct and irreversible effect on his own manhood.

FRIENDS who always cancel plans to go out do not like you and are not your friends, research has found.

TODAY, professional football players will play others who earn more, subjecting their team and town to patronising media write-ups. Who will be the plucky victors?

THE BBC has apologised to right-wing football fans for employing a man with vaguely left-wing views and hopes this woman will make up for it.

HUGE sums of dirty money have been chosen to host the 2034 World Cup in Saudi Arabia.

ALIENATED 1990s Manchester City fans admitted seeing their club blow a 3-0 lead against Feyenoord last night was like coming home.

THE storied history of the Premier League is rich with legendary managers, and Christian Gross. But which would you least look forward to seeing every other Christmas?

ON Saturday, the unthinkable happened. TikTok went dark in the US. Millions had nothing but words and images to scroll. And it could happen again, so learn from me.

AN AI revolution will make every British man, woman and child into productive little batteries to power their artificial intelligence overlords.

META boss Mark Zuckerberg, who enjoys regular sexual congress with thoroughbred horses at his Palo Alto home, has told his platforms to drop fact-checking.

APPLE’S fantastic new AI is providing false news alerts including Rafael Nadal coming out and Luigi Mangione shooting himself. Expect these over the day.

GOOGLE has released the UK’s most frequent search terms of 2024, no, not the porn ones. The results will surprise and depress everyone.

THE Oscar nominations are out, and moviegoers worldwide are once again baffled that Dwayne Johnson has been overlooked. But are any worth watching?

THE history of popular music is littered with platinum albums that were largely filler. You bought these and wished you’d waited for the greatest hits.

A MAN whose rear end has never been anything other than vigorously washed has been allowed to enter Love Island, to the horror of other contestants.

A GALLAGHER brother and Shaun Ryder are teaming up to triangulate monetisation of their fanbases. These supergroups were failures from their first moments.

GOT a song in your head but can’t remember anything concrete about it? Here’s how to drive yourself insane while trying to find it.

RIGHT now he’s flying, but Elon Musk is in a precarious position with Trump known to ditch anyone not completely subservient at whim. Stand by to savour his inevitable downfall.

A CANDY store. A Turkish barber. A newsagent which also does parcel returns. One of these must be genuine, but which? Reporter Emma Bradford investigates.

WATER: it falls from the skies. Collect it, treat it, send it out through the taps, sieve out the turds, treat it, job f**king done. Is that so hard, water companies?

THREE rail operators which are to be renationalised next year will soon have the same fantastic quality and customer service as your local council.

A HOMEWORKER ordered back to the office is spending long lazy days doing nothing to prove her point.

POWERLESS in their real lives, these wankers find their satisfaction in running a workplace like a Panzer Division. Which ones have bollocked you?

ARE you doing your job perfectly, breaking neither rules nor codes, but should resign anyway because you are becoming a distraction like Tulip Siddiq? Find out.

A LENGTHY prison sentence is expected for a self-employed woman who had the audacity to believe she could complete her tax return without breaking the law.

A BOSS who is firmly against homeworking and demands all his employees attend the office in person is fine with it today.

HAVING a good time? Sat on your sofas, stuffing your faces, watching Saturday Kitchen? Christ I hate you. I’m at work.

HALFWAY through Dry January, are you sticking to it while maintaining a rigid schedule of daytime and evening Wetherspoon’s visits, like a patriot should?

A GROUP of drinkers spent three days snowed in at a Yorkshire pub and are gamely pretending they loved it. They didn’t and nor would you.

THE UK is excitedly counting down the hours, minutes and seconds until Dry January can begin, it has emerged.

TONIGHT photographers will be prowling to catch shameful scenes of pissed-up Britain showing its knickers and urinating publicly. But how can you do this at home?

THE UK has yet to meet even minimum standards of honesty about its level of intoxication, it has emerged.

ASSERTIONS that sensible younger people avoid alcohol are being challenged by the sheer number of hammered teenagers everywhere you go.