THEY come in all varieties, in a host of little outfits, they’re very collectable and they bring me joy. So why does everyone have to carp about my collection of Reform UK dolls?

A DISGRUNTLED Nigel Farage has complained that nobody informed him MPs could be called into Parliament on Saturdays at short notice.

THANKS to Donald Trump, tariffs have been big news for the past couple of weeks. They're clearly very important, but have you gained any understanding about how they work yet?

TRUMP is demanding reparations for Europe somehow cheating America in the past, proving beyond a doubt he is lost in his own mad little world. Here’s what he may well also believe.

A GROUP of online misogynists have been introduced to an actual woman for the first time.

TRUMP’S tariffs are causing economic chaos, but stupid financial decisions closer to home might be the real reason you’re broke. Here are some you keep imposing on yourself.

WHAT do Trump’s tariffs mean for me? How will they affect my family? What will they mean for the country as a whole? We answer in three words.

SINGLE-parent families, the chronically unemployed and anyone else without a pot to piss in will find higher household bills hard to afford, in case you f**king wondered.

A MAN’S internal biological rhythms are telling him it is time to become a dad who does the absolute bare minimum.

A MAN openly smoking crack on the London Underground has made the news. It’s already known for its nutters, gangs and perverts, so how should you annoy and horrify passengers in your own inimitable way?

I GET it. Women on apps expect a man of my age to have settled down. The ones aged 24 to 29 anyway. I don’t know what ones over 30 would say. They’re not in my Tinder age range

MOVING house is widely acknowledged as the only way to live in a different house, but is it worth it? Or should you slump on the sofa looking as a wall you hate forever?

DO you live many, many miles from the sea, but still have a boat in your drive as if it were a short hop away? Go through our checklist.

A MAN who believes the spring weather gives him licence to wear a Hawaiian shirt has been sternly corrected.

FOOTBALL fans from chic, sophisticated Paris are currently in Birmingham due to a foul quirk of the Champions League.

GARETH Southgate believes all young people should miss a crucial penalty at a major football championship as a learning experience.

NEW England manager Thomas Tuchel has chosen the same tired old players who lost the last two Euros finals. Who should he have picked instead?

THOUSANDS of Cheltenham attendees are discovering that understanding horse-racing through a blur of cocaine and alcohol is impossible.

THE matriarch of a xenomorph hive is to join Katy Perry on today’s all-female space launch, it has been confirmed.

A UK-based bellend is frustrated he cannot advertise his credentials as his area’s leading arsehole by driving a Tesla Cybertruck.

TEENAGERS have asserted there is no way anyone could ban their phones or social media because they have no idea.

THE government believes AI will save Britain, but before hopping on this particular bandwagon, maybe it should consider these glaring issues?

EVERY single ride at the UK’s Universal theme park will be based on bawdy films laced with tortuous double entendres, it has emerged.

SABRINA Carpenter has been criticised for simulating oral sex onstage despite her young fanbase. But her concerts could be a valuable learning experience if she just portrays sex realistically. Like this…

A WOMAN who had never been to a musical before had no idea they were quite so awful, she has admitted.

A BUSKER has been disappointed to find that angsty, melancholic dirges are not the best way to solicit money from the average small-town shopper.

A MAJOR Hollywood studio is making a biopic of the so-called ‘fourth Beatle’ Ringo Starr, it has emerged.

THE Netflix drama Adolescence has resulted in parents being bombarded with warnings about online misogyny. Here’s how to massively overreact because you saw something on the telly.

THE UK is re-examining its long-held belief that allowing foreign billionaires to control every aspect of its daily life is a simply brilliant idea.

HIGH street WH Smith shops will be renamed TGJones after a £76 million buyout. Do you have an alternative name?

THE UK has admitted it has never heard of the ‘Aloo-min-um’ the US is supposedly imposing a 25 per cent tariff on.

THE government is open to the private sector’s involvement in assisted dying, and these brands you know and love are eying the profits.

‘YOU’RE fired’ is so harsh and Trumpian. A caring workplace focused on your wellbeing will use these euphemisms to soften the blow.

A WOMAN given a new role and job title is unsure whether she is being recognised for her outstanding work or treated like a prize twat.

THE customer contact teams at all Heathrow-based airlines have been given a surprise Friday off to spend at their leisure.

TOUGH decisions about who is deserving of disability benefits and who is not are to be outsourced to solid, dependable daytime drinkers.

A QUARTER of young people are not even bothered about working and are probably going to I dunno, hang out in a forest and shit working on their art, they have claimed.

EMPLOYERS advertising for new staff have confirmed they do not post salaries because prospective employees are beyond such petty considerations.

A MAN who ordered a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc for the table is completely confident in his heterosexuality, it has emerged.

A MAN has put on a hat shaped like a giant Guinness pint resting on a shamrock brim with the reverence it deserves.

PUB giant Wetherspoons has announced it is entering the lucrative home delivery market, bringing pints, pitchers of Woo Woo and steaks direct to customers.

A MAN cutting out alcohol has realised that without it, his friendships are an awful lot of work.