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Obama Defends 'Creationist Psycho Bitch' Remark
DEMOCRATIC candidate Barak Obama last night claimed he was quoted out of context after describing Governor Sarah Palin as a 'creationist psycho bitch'.
Walcott's Enemies Strike Gold
THE enemies of Theo Walcott struck gold last night as the England hero fired in a hat-trick against Croatia.
All Right - It's Shit, Queen Tells Top Poet
THE Queen last night gave in to demands to offer her opinion on the work of the Poet Laureate, telling him it was 'third-rate bollocks'.
Britain To Welcome Belly Dancing Hovercraft Pilots
BRITAIN has thrown open its doors to the next generation of belly dancing hovercraft pilots who know how to train a horse.
Dubstep Old Hat As Fans Embrace Bumfunking
DUBSTEP pioneer Burial shocked the music world last night as he announced he was abandoning the genre that made his name for the rival style of Bumfunking.
Everyone Dead By Teatime
THE greatest experiment in the history of physics will begin this morning, followed shortly after by your horrifyingly painful death.
Die Mankind! Die!
By Dr Henry Brubaker, inventor of the Large Hadron Collider
LET me begin by saying that, apart from the Wikipedia page about black holes, this may well be the last thing you will ever read.
Your Astrological Week Ahead
WITH PSYCHIC BOB
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
When you dive into the dating scene it might feel like you are surrounded by sharks, but it’s much more likely that you are surrounded by men with no interests outside their own penis.