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Scots Tories Pledge Cut Price Booze And Neighbourhood Sex Parties
THE Scottish Tories were accused of blatant populism today as they unveiled a manifesto bursting at the seems with sex, booze and holidays.
Scottish Executive 'Removed Workers' Body Parts, While They Were Still At Their Desks'
AN official inquiry is to be launched into claims the Scottish Executive removed the body parts of staff while they were sitting at their desks.
'Pointless Research' Gene Discovered
RESEARCHERS last night claimed they had discovered a gene which increases people’s propensity to launch enquiries into the bleeding obvious.
My Wedding Is Going To Be So Much Better Than Yours
Just three weeks to go and I'm so excited. The final preparations are being made and I can assure you it is going to be a magical day. So much better than yours.
Jesus 'Put Me Off' At 14th Green, Says Woods
WORLD number one Tiger Woods has accused Jesus of deliberately interrupting his game during the final round of the US Masters.
Your Problems Solved
PETULA SOUL
Britain's most insightful agony aunt.
I’ve been married for ten years and at first our sex life was great, but recently my husband appears totally disinterested in shunting his beef train into my tuna station. We have sex on maybe three or four occasions a week, but most times I ask for it he claims to be busy driving us along the motorway to my mothers or something. I’ve asked him whether he would like to share a session with my boyfriend or watch me with my lesbian lover, in case he’s finding it all a bit much on his own. I also phone him to offer him first dibs when I’m at the pub and looking for someone to shag me in the car park. Do you think he is having an affair?
Hurt,
Hampstead.
New Radio Station Will Be Non-Stop Drivel Promises BBC
THE BBC is to launch a new 24-hour radio station given over entirely to phone-ins from punters, promising round the clock burbling inanities and factual inaccuracy.