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Lib Dems Unveil 'Panto Stars For A Federal Britain'
THE Liberal Democrats received an election boost today as the greats of Scottish pantomime threw their weight behind slightly more powers for the Holyrood Parliament.
Disabled Identity Thieves Get NHS Help Dogs
DISABLED identity thieves are to get assistance dogs on the NHS to help them lead more independent criminal lives, The Daily Mash can reveal.
Halfwits To Be Banned From Using The Phone
HALFWITS, cretins and morons are to be denied access to the telephone system as part of a government crackdown on TV quizzes.
Your Astrological Week Ahead
WITH PSYCHIC BOB
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your ego takes a little pounding early this week, but it won't destroy you. Just get back in that bush and wait for another lady to come along. You can do it!
GMTV Viewers Lose Billions Of Braincells
BREAKFAST television viewers have unwittingly lost billions of brain cells in the last four years by watching early morning shows, a Daily Mash investigation can reveal.
14 Billion Tons Of Bullshit Pumped Into Firth Of Forth
EXPERTS warned of an environmental catastrophe last night after enough bullshit to fill 6.5 billion Vauxhall Zafiras poured into the Forth estuary.
The First Rule Of Toddler Fight Club Is...
You do not talk about Toddler Fight Club.
Serial Killer Was 'Outgoing And Chatty' Say Neighbours
SHOCKED residents of a small Scottish village have revealed that the serial killer who lived among them was "a really nice fellow" who always had time for a chat and was especially good with kids.