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She's No Virgin, Say Friends Of 'Miracle' Shark
MIRACLE shark Lorraine Chelsy is a 'skanky liar' who claimed she had a virgin birth to stop her mum going mad at her for getting pregnant, say her friends.
It's War!!! Overwhelming Support For Salmond's Dutch Assault
SCOTLAND is a nation of demented, blood-thirsty warmongers, straining to mount a full-scale assault on Holland, according to a Daily Mash readers' poll.
Andy Murray Appoints Excuses Coach
BRITISH number one Andy Murray has completed his preparations for dropping out of Wimbledon with the appointment of a world-class excuses coach.
In-Flight Erections To Double After Viagra Jetlag Discovery
VIRGIN is to raise the height of the seatback tray tables on its transatlantic flights by a number of inches after it emerged that love drug Viagra could now be used as a cure for jetlag.
Big Brother House To Include Room Full Of Man-Eating Tigers
THIS year's Big Brother house is to include quirky new features including a toilet in the middle of the livingroom floor and a room full of tigers.
Salmond To Generate Electricity By Rubbing Himself Against Shereen Nanjiani
FIRST minister Alex Salmond plans to satisfy the nation's energy needs by rubbing himself against a variety of high profile Scots.
It's War!!! Dutch Set Fire To Cutty Sark
THE Dutch last night claimed responsibility for setting fire to the Scottish-built Cutty Sark and warned that no Scots ships were safe during the war with Holland.
Cameron To Spend Two Weeks As A Wheelie Bin
TORY leader David Cameron is to spend two weeks living as a wheelie bin in East London in a bid to highlight the current crisis in British refuse collection.