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Illegal Downloads Force Record Company Bosses To Use Street Drugs
THE growth in illegal music downloading is forcing desperate record company executives to buy less glamorous narcotics, the Daily Mash has learned.
Power Of Positive Thinking Fails To Halt California Wildfires
POSITIVE thinking has failed to halt the wildfires in California with millions fleeing their homes despite staying fully focused on their goal of not seeing their house transformed into a smoking ruin.
Children Warned Not To Suck On Hybrid Car Exhausts
CHILDREN have been warned not to suck on the exhaust pipes of hybrid cars amid fears they may not be 100% safe.
Ulster Police Deafened By Catholic Screams
YEARS of listening to the ear-splitting crack of Catholic skulls has left hundreds of RUC officers with hearing difficulties, it was claimed last night.
Safety Fears After A380 On-Board Safari Incident
SAFETY concerns have been raised about the A380 super-jumbo after two passengers were attacked by lions during their on-board safari.
Brown Draws Red Line Around Sandwich
PRIME minister Gordon Brown has drawn a red line around the savoury cheese sandwich on his desk and warned the EU to back off.
England Expects Scotland To Put Out
ENGLAND has now spent so much money on Scotland that it is expecting some 'fairly spectacular sex', it was claimed last night.
Mona Lisa Was Eating A Sausage
LEONARDO da Vinci’s Mona Lisa was eating a sausage, a new digital scan of the famous painting has revealed.