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'Replace My Photo With Bag Of Prawn Cocktail Crisps' Demands Prince

PRINCE, the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince, broke into uncharted mental territory yesterday after instructing his fan websites to remove his photograph.

British iPhone To Include A Sense Of Fair Play - And Racism

THE British version of the Apple iPhone will come with an inbuilt stiff upper lip, a sense of fair play - and racism.

Energy Cocktails Make You Shag All Night, Doctors Warn

MIXING alcohol with energy drinks stops you from falling asleep in discos and makes you fornicate like a rabbit, leading doctors warned last night.

UN Urges Musharraf To Hit Lawyers Harder

PAKISTAN president Pervez Musharraf was last night accused of ‘cynical populism’ after he ordered his police to round up thousands of lawyers and hit them with sticks.

'I Was There'

Great moments in sport, No.87: Travis Bickle remembers the 1981 Headingley Test

It’s been three days of Australian dominance. I’m thinking the only thing that can save England from certain defeat is for a real rain to come along and wash away all these scum-sucking Aussies…fucking Mau-Maus.

Five Launches New Series Of 'Crime Scene Navy Crime'

THE long wait is over for fans of fast-moving US police dramas as Channel Five screens the new series of Crime Scene Navy Crime.

Idiots To Waste Two More Years At School

THE age at which idiots can leave school without any qualifications is to be raised from 16 to 18, the Government announced last night.

'D'You Know What? I'm Such A F*cking Racist' Says Tory MP

CONSERVATIVE leader David Cameron is facing fresh embarrassment after a senior backbencher described himself as 'an enthusiastic and committed racialist'.