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My Perfect Christmas
by James Caan
You know what I like to do at Christmas time? Fuck broads - that’s what I like to do. It’s long been a practice of mine to spread peace and goodwill to all womankind during the yuletide period - skinny broads, fat broads, big titty broads, broads with glass eyes, prosthetic legs and sometimes - God forbid - ugly broads with no fuckin’ right to have my dick in them. So that’s what I like to do at yuletide – and if you don’t like it, you can stick up your ass.
Fuck Nativity plays, we're doing The Godfather, say five year-olds
THE number of primary schools ditching the traditional Christmas nativity in favour of key scenes from The Godfather is at an all-time high.
Bra Research Must Go On, Vows Scientist
THE RESEARCHER developing an intelligent bra says there is ‘no way’ it is finished and that he may have to carry on studying women’s breasts for decades.
Canoeist Charged With Being An Arse
SUSPECTED canoeist John Darwin appeared before magistrates this morning charged with three counts of being a complete arse.
UK Launches Crackdown On Foreign Wind
THE government has unveiled ambitious plans to end Britain's dependence on foreign wind by 2020.
82% Wish They Were Pretending To Be Dead
THE number of people in Britain who wish they were pretending to be dead has risen for the fifth month in a row.
Guest Blog: Michael Parkinson
I'VE been lucky enough to meet stars of stage, screen and indeed, some of my biggest sporting heroes. But the one interview which touched me most was with the woman who provides the voice you hear in post office queues. I am talking, of course, about those famous words, 'cashier number five, please'. She was the most wonderful lady, answering all my questions with grace and a good deal of wit. Unlike that monosyllabic fuckstick, Meg Ryan.
Big Fat Indian Woman Refuses To Hug Jonathan Ross
AMMA, the big fat indian woman who has hugged more than 26 million people, has warned Jonathan Ross not to come within 100 metres of her comforting bosom.