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Britain Explodes At Both Ends

BRITAIN exploded at both ends last night as the latest gastric superbug lit up the nation's bathrooms.

Snoooooooooooooooooooooooooow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BRITAIN was huddled close together last night as the first snowfall of winter launched a massive assault on our cherished way of life.

Orangutans Amused By Mr Bean

ORANGUTANS have a sense of humour but it is very poor, scientists have discovered. 

Total Darkness Link To Blinding Headaches

WANDERING around your house in total darkness is the single biggest cause of serious headaches, a new study has revealed.

2008 To Be A 'Litany Of Unremitting Shitness', Say Experts

THIS year will start shit and then get shitter until it gets so shit that eating a shit sandwich will seem like a blessed relief, a leading expert said last night.

Britain Signs Up For Vorderman's 28-Day Piss-Drink Detox

AS millions of Britons begin their New Year detox, a record number of health conscious consumers are signing up for a month-long regime of drinking their own urine.

Britain To Ignore Binge-Drink Warning For 4000th Year In A Row

THE dramatic increase in the number of people being hospitalised for excessive drinking is set to be ignored for the 4000th year in a row.

Campaigners Welcome Plan For Free-Range Pensioners

MILLIONS of demented British pensioners are to be released from their cages thanks to a new electronic tagging device.