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French Voters Embrace 'Le Pump Totale'
THE French have abandoned their traditional disinterest in the private lives of politicians, labeling the girlfriend of President Sarkozy a 'total pump'.
Unemployed To Pick Cotton, Say Tories
THE long-term unemployed will be taken from their homes and forced to pick cotton all day, under new proposals from the Conservatives.
Why Are My Eyes Leaking? Asks Hillary
DEMOCRATIC presidential candidate Hillary Clinton walked out of a campaign event in New Hampshire after small amounts of salty water began leaking from her eyes.
Army Says War Great For Easing Troublesome Aches And Pains
WAR is perfect for soothing away the niggling aches and strains of modern life, the British Army said last night.
To The People, I Present My Vision
By Gordon Brown
WHEN I was a small boy somewhere in Scotland, I remember meeting a poverty-stricken old man who coughed phlegm and bits all over me. Even though I was just a child, I vowed to do whatever I could to cure that man of his illness, and then destroy him.
Traditional Light Bulbs Are A Superfood, Says PR Company
TRADITIONAL lightbulbs are a healthy and nutritious superfood rich in riboflavin and better for you than broccoli, the traditional light bulb industry revealed last night.
Airlines Lift In-Flight Sex Jelly Ban
AIRLINES are to lift the ban on KY and other proprietary sex lubricants, under new security regulations introduced today.
Everything To Become Smaller And More Expensive, Says Gates
IN five years time everything you buy will be much smaller and cost a great deal more money, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates has confirmed.