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Ferguson Apologises To Pre-Menstrual Reading Fans

SIR ALEX Ferguson has apologised for upsetting Reading supporters at the weekend, saying he did not realise they were having their period.

Bed Full Of Frogs 'Bad For Sleep'

FILLING your bed with frogs before you go to sleep could stop you getting a decent night's rest, new research reveals.

MPs To Debate Major European Zzzzzzzzzzz...

MPs will today begin the most important European debate for a generation, uniting sceptics across the political spectrum and oh who fucking cares? 

My Balls Are So Huge, Claims Paxman

JEREMY Paxman has written to the chief executive of Marks & Spencer to tell him that his balls are huge.

Home Office To Target Scrabulous Extremists

FANATICS who use the internet as a platform for militant Scrabulism will be hunted down like wild pigs, the Home Office said last night.

William Enjoys Another Spiffing Day Out

HIS Royal Highness Prince William was in fine spirits last night after another absolutely spiffing day out.

Tom Cruise Now Terrifyingly Insane

TOM Cruise was celebrating last night as he overtook John Travolta to become Hollywood's most dangerously unhinged psychopath.

Newcastle Sign Keegan For 'Bonus Night'

NEWCASTLE United was last night trying desperately to justify itself after signing up for a 'bonus night' of no-strings fun with unstable ex-boyfriend Kevin Keegan.