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Insurers Refuse To Cover Houses Made From Meringue
BRITISH insurance companies could scupper the government's house building plans after refusing to cover homes made from beaten egg whites.
Valentine's Sex Bid Will Fail, Says Angry Girlfriend
THE amount of money you would need to spend on gifts to get sex on Valentine's Day after you stayed out last Saturday night without explanation is so huge there is no point in you even bothering, your angry girlfriend said last night.
Heathrow Installs Roulette Wheel Luggage System
ALL luggage checked-in at Heathrow airport is to be thrown onto a giant roulette wheel in a bid to increase its chances of arriving at the correct destination.
'I Was There'
Great moments in sport No. 87: Joe Pesci remembers the 2002 Winter Olympics.
THERE are a few things in life which get my back up: one is the way that fat mook Tony D picks pieces of food out of his fuckin' teeth at the dinner table; secondly, I got no fuckin' time for Mormons - comin' round my house and knockin' on my fuckin' door; and three, I ain't no fan of the Games of the Winter fuckin' Olympiad, if truth be told.
Global Warming To Bring Cannibalism To South East
CLIMATE change will transform the south east of England into a steaming jungle filled with giant snakes and marauding tribes of blood-thirsty cannibals, scientists have predicted.
'Bastard Chinese Tried To Poison Me' Says Indiana Jones
INDIANA Jones, the eminent archaeologist, has condemned the Chinese as a 'gang of no-good scumbags' claiming they tried to poison him in a Shanghai nightclub.
Kaplinsky To Simulate Fellatio On Five News
NATASHA Kaplinsky will start each bulletin by staring straight into the camera and slowly sucking on her pencil as the new £1 million-a-year face of Five News.
Stop Trying To Make Our Heads Explode, Say Teenagers
CAMPAIGNERS are calling for a ban on a hi-tech, ultra-sonic device which causes teenagers' heads to explode.