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've Vill Shoot Zem Only Once'
GERMAN television is to show the wartime sitcom Allo, Allo with its raft of comedy catchphrases including: "I will say zis only once: round up all ze men in the village, and machine gun zem into a ditch."
Sniff This
By Phillipe, Best in Show, Crufts 2008
IT could be my superb posture, my beautiful coat or perhaps even my exquisite bone structure. But whatever it is, one thing's for sure: I am The Balls.
Lisa Marie Presley Expecting Big, Fat Baby
SINGER'S daughter Lisa Marie Presley is pregnant with an incredibly fat baby, she revealed last night.
England To Be Excused From Sports
ENGLAND has asked to be excused from sports for the rest of the year after producing a note from its mum.
RAF To Bomb Peterborough Back To Stone Age
PETERBOROUGH was today bracing itself for wave after wave of devastating raids by low-flying Tornado fighter-bombers.
Public Toilets To Be Replaced With Actual Cottages
PUBLIC lavatories across Britain are to replaced with three bedroom cottages in a bid to make furtive cock action safer and more comfortable.
I will be just fine, says Earth
THE Earth has dismissed claims it is in danger from global warming, insisting the most likely outcome is the extinction of humans.
Japan To Offer Free Whaling Lessons
JAPAN is offering free whaling lessons and discounts on harpoons in a bid to encourage more people to take up its favourite leisure pursuit.