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'Get Your Bumcheeks Out Of My Face'
MINI-SKIRTS have risen to record levels making it virtually impossible for men to travel on escalators without being exposed to women's buttocks, a new study reveals.
Office Of Fair Trading Takes Four Years To Discover Builders Are At It
THE Office of Fair Trading last night defended taking four years and millions of pounds to discover that builders might just be at it.
Rising Sea Levels To Reach Ronnie Corbett
EXPERTS have upgraded their estimates on rising sea levels, predicting they could submerge Ronnie Corbett within a decade.
Society Of The Future May Be Forced To Eat Food
THE people of the future may be forced to eat real food instead of pills, scientists have claimed.
Baldy bastards told to stop being so bald about everything
BALDY bastards were last night told to shut up and stop being so bald about everything.
Biofuels Taste Awful, Say Africans
BIOFUELS are incredibly salty and don't really go with anything, hungry people in the Third World said last night.
Televangelist Challenges Pope To Jew-Hating Contest
US televangelist Pat Robertson has branded the Pope a dangerous liberal and challenged him to prove his Christian credentials in a televised Jew-hating contest.
Prince William To Use HMS Invincible As A Bottle Opener
PRINCE William has been given permission to use the aircraft carrier HMS Invincible as a bottle opener at his summer barbecues.