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Gwyneth Paltrow’s Marriage Over, Say Her Knees
GWYNETH Paltrow’s four-year marriage to Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is over, the Hollywood star’s knees revealed last night.
Rich People Very Happy
NEW research has revealed that Britain's rich people are happier than ever, thank you for asking.
Brown Useless At Connect Four, Says Blair
GORDON Brown is one of the worst players of Connect Four ever to hold the office of prime minister, friends of Tony Blair said last night.
Your Problems Solved
BY PETULA SOUL
Britain's most insightful agony aunt.
Dear Petula,
It is now approaching five days since I last had my hoggins. Up until now I have not really been tempted to indulge in a meaningless bunk-up or a one night stand as I am told that sex is so much better with somebody you are close too and have known for years. However, after four days of celibacy I’m really starting to feel open to all the options, and my husband will not be back from his golf holiday for another two nights. What do you advise? I’d love to wait for somebody I care for to come along, or failing that my husband. But I am desperate to get my butter churned. Any tips?
Gagging,
Gloucester
Your Problems Solved
BY PETULA SOUL
Britain's most insightful agony aunt.
Dear Petula,
I have been with my partner for four years now, and while we have spoken about marriage I am not sure about taking the plunge. I have discussed the situation with my other boyfriend, and a few fuck-buddies, and they say it is just nerves ahead of the wedding in May. But I think we should probably just get the whole thing over with as soon as we can. The thing is my fiancée owns his house outright and has a lot of money in savings. I am worried that he might, say, have a terrible accident in his car with his brakes failing unexpectedly while we are on holiday at a mountain resort in Italy next week and I have just asked him to nip down to the village at the bottom of the hill for a jar of pesto. Imagine then how bad I will feel when I open up the cupboard door to get out his will, which I always keep with me, and discover a jar in there all along. If it should happen like that.
Hannah,
Hampstead
Your Astrological Week Ahead
WITH PSYCHIC BOB
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your friends are teasing you about your safe – and – easy dating choices? At least when you pick them off a website and hire them you are guaranteed sex. Now who’s laughing?
Syria Outsources Evil Plotting To North Korea
SYRIA is to outsource its evil plotting to North Korea in a £3 billion deal to create the world's biggest terror brand.
Banks Fucked
BANKS in the UK were fucked yesterday, after a landmark court ruling.