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Your Astrological Week Ahead
WITH PSYCHIC BOB
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You know your sweetie's favourite food and favourite movie, but do you know their deepest hopes and desires? Order those giant nappies now!
Lesbians To Establish Republic Of Lesbia
THE world's 800 million lesbians are to club together and set up their own country.
I Hate Every Last One Of You, Admits Brown
PRIME minster Gordon Brown last night admitted he loathes absolutely everyone in Britain.
Office Workers Told To Stop Shitting On Each Other’s Keyboards
WORKERS in offices have been ordered to stop defecating on each other’s computer keyboards.
Voters To Choose Weirdos And Criminals
VOTERS are heading to the polls today in the biennial ritual of choosing exactly which oddballs and thieves will run their local council.
Giant squid same as normal squid only bigger, say zoologists
A HUGE squid found off the coast of Antarctica is basically the same as a normal squid, only much, much bigger, a team of disappointed zoologists said last night.
Austria Launches 'Birthplace Of Hitler' Campaign
AUSTRIA'S chancellor has vowed to restore the country's international image with a £40 million 'Birthplace of Hitler' marketing campaign.
Supermarkets Must Be Stabbed Through The Heart Under A Full Moon, Says Regulator
BRITAIN'S leading supermarket chains can only be defeated if a bronze dagger is plunged into their chest by the light of a full moon, the Competition Commission said today.