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Mars Probe Urges Brown To Quit
NASA's latest Martian probe last night landed safely on the red planet and issued an immediate call for Gordon Brown to resign.
Your Astrological Week Ahead
WITH PSYCHIC BOB
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Being single doesn't have to mean you're all alone feeding 20 cats from your armchair while watching cop show re-runs. It just does in your case.
Crewe Goes All Fancy
CREWE was prancing around quite the thing last night after getting itself a fancy new millionaire to represent it in parliament.
Do You Need Us To Call You A Cab? Britain Asks Brown
BRITAIN last night told the prime minister it was getting really quite late while making a big fuss of cleaning up the living room.
Britain Falls Into A Hedge
EVERYONE in Britain has had to go to hospital in the last 12 months after falling into a hedge on the way home.
Third World To Teach White People How To Walk
AS the price of oil climbs towards $150 a barrel, the Third World has offered to teach Europe and America how to walk.
You There! Rearrange My Caviar! Demands Jumped-Up Bookie
A JUMPED-UP bookie has threatened to boycott British Airways after a stewardess refused to rearrange his caviar into the shape of Charles Bronson in Death Wish II.
One Woman's Week: You Won't Beat Me, Adolf Bannatyne
By Karen Fenessey YOU might think when you watch Duncan Bannatyne on the BBC's Dragon’s Den program, that he is a really great guy who knows a thing or two about how to keep fit. But let me tell you: all is not as it seems in this so-called den and Mr Bannatyne is actually a tyrant who exploits the souls of innocents.