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Fern Launches 'Whip Your Guts Out' Diet Plan
FERN Britton has launched a new weight loss programme based on a strict combination of fruit, pilates and six hours of major abdominal surgery.
'Emo' Kids Urged To Take Up Swingball
TEENAGERS in the grip of the 'emo' suicide cult have been urged to spend more time in the garden playing swingball.
Talk Of Camper Vans At Highest Since 1991
TALK of buying camper vans rose sharply last month and is now at its highest since 1991, the Nationwide building society said last night.
Gemma Atkinson's Chimp To Fight New Madonna Baby
HOLLYOAKS star Gemma Atkinson is to pit her new chimpanzee against Madonna's Malawian baby in the latest round of Celebrity Toddler Fight Club: Adopted!
Undiagnosed Dementia Leads To Daily Mail, Say Experts
RISING numbers of undiagnosed dementia sufferers has led to the Daily Mail, new research suggests.
Barclays Cuts Overdraft Fees From Criminal To Outrageous
BARCLAYS last night signalled a shake up in the banking industry by cutting its unauthorised overdraft fees from criminally immoral to sickeningly outrageous.
Power Of Thought Fails To Free Monkey From Terrifying Laboratory
A MONKEY has failed in its bid to escape from a laboratory using nothing but the power of thought.
Ian, a four year-old capuchin, attempted the telekinetic feat after using his thoughts to operate a robotic arm and feed himself a banana.
He said: "In case you were wondering - yes, having all those pointy electrodes rammed into your brain does hurt like a bastard.
"If it didn't, then why the fuck am I the one wearing the electric helmet?"
Statins Free Up Time For Golf, Say Docs
STATINS are a wonder drug which allow doctors to spend an extra three afternoons a week on the golf course, the British Medical Association said last night.