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British Kids Use Rubik’s Cube As Deadly Weapon

THE Rubik's Cube is making a comeback this year as thousands of British children adapt it into a handy killing machine. 

William Seizes Cocaine Bound For Fulham Road

PRINCE William is facing a ban from some of his favourite Fulham Road nightclubs after his Royal Navy ship seized £40m worth of cocaine.

This Country's In A Right Bloody Mess, Says Cherie

BRITAIN is an awful place full of violence and corruption, and those responsible should be ashamed of themselves, the wife of former prime minister Tony Blair said yesterday.

Mounties Vow To Capture Every Last Bee

THE Canadian Mounted Police has vowed to capture every one of the 12 million bees that escaped from an overturned truck earlier this week.

Madonna’s Former Home Destroyed By Jesus

POP star Madonna’s childhood home in Detroit has been burned to the ground in an apparent revenge attack by Jesus. 

Leaderless French Army Unable To Retreat

THE French army was in chaos last night after the resignation of its most senior general left it temporarily unable to retreat.

My Big Gap Year

Despatches from Poppy Spalding

Monday: Sydney, Australia

My first week on the road finds me in Sydney, which is a bit like London, only with more sun and fewer Australians.

Everyone Now A F*cking Tennis Expert

EVERYONE in Britain is now a fucking tennis expert who could easily replace Dan Maskell, or whoever it is that does the commentary these days.