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Your Astrological Week Ahead
WITH PSYCHIC BOB
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Someone who offers you a helping hand might have a hidden agenda. Perhaps they are planning to sell it to a fertility clinic afterwards? There again, who cares?
Knife Carriers To Be Shown Round Spoon Factories
YOUNG people who carry knives are to be sent on a series of educational outings, taking in hospitals, Madame Tussauds and a spoon factory.
Mckellen Threatened By Orcs
POLICE investigating a series of death threats against the actor Sir Ian McKellen now believe they were made by Orcs.
Ronaldo To Star In Remake Of 'Roots'
FOOTBALLER Cristiano Ronaldo is being lined up to star in a multi-million dollar remake of the epic TV series Roots.
Bodyguards Positioned Outside Jolie's Vagina
ANGELINA Jolie is expected to give birth to twins within hours after bodyguards took up positions outside her vagina.
Liverpool Celebrates Day Beatles Pissed Off To Surrey
LIVERPOOL yesterday marked the anniversary of the last full day the Beatles spent in the city before buying huge houses in Surrey.
Government Addicted To Painkillers, Say Docs
THE British government is in the grip of a chronic addiction to prescription painkillers, experts claimed last night.
Guest Blog: Andrew Flintoff
I WERE sitting in Star of Bengal with Goughie, Warney and some other bloke who we ain't given nick-name to yet, when mobile goes off. It were chairman of selectors like, who said I'd made provisional England squad of 125. Time for a celebration, so it's lagers all round, and chilli eating competition: first one to collapse with anaphylactic shock's a big poof.