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Vicars To Have 'Full Of Shit' Stamped On Forehead

CHURCH of England vicars are to have the phrase 'full of shit' stamped on their foreheads, it was confirmed last night.

Market Suffers Biggest Ever Blah, Blah, Blah

WITH monotonous predictability the world's stockmarkets yesterday did yet another record breaking thing, apparently.

Mandelson Undermining Brown Without Even Realising He Is Doing It

PETER Mandelson last night admitted he was probably undermining the prime minister every time he opens his mouth.

Britain Braced For More Bullshit Articles About Capitalism

WITH more economic bad news on the way, Britain is this week bracing itself for a fresh wave of bullshit newspaper articles about the nature of capitalism.

Obama Means To Make You His Beeatch, Palin Tells White Women

THE US presidential campaign turned negative last night as Republican Sarah Palin warned white women they will soon become Barak Obama's beeatches.

My Big Gap Year

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding

Friday: Beijing

This week finds me in the capital of China – somewhere I have dreamed of coming ever since the age of five when my parents bought me my first round of banana fritters.

Met Chief Regrets Not Shooting Johnson In The Face

SIR Ian Blair last night admitted he should have shot London mayor Boris Johnson in the face when he had the chance.